Table For One

New life, New blog

2011-02-04T12:15:00.002-06:00

Hello people! I'm back, I'm married and I have a new blog. Please follow me to my new home!

http://jambereemyfamilyandme.blogspot.com/

Games Duggars Play... or Sit on the Bench and Watch

2009-08-18T23:42:00.003-05:00

Summer is the time for warm weather, hot dogs, baseball, and Duggar-Bobs. Not really, but I couldn’t think of a good lead in to this blog, so I went with it. Anyway, tonight’s episode was largely centered around the Duggar’s visit to Arvest Ballpark to throw out the first pitch, and I can tell you that I pretty much watched the first time to make sure that I wasn’t caught on camera stalking them. However, the second time I watched, I documented my randomness into this neatly bulleted blog. You’re welcome.

• The show opens with Joseph-Bob mowing the massive amounts of acreage on the Duggar Bob property. I sense that Jinger bob the laundry goddess has some competition for least favorite child.
• Michelle-Bob (who appears to be growing out her bangs and sporting traces of makeup) explains that because they have so many people in their family, it’s important to keep the floor clean of bacteria. No, it’s important for EVERYONE, regardless of family size to keep the bacteria clean. It’s because of these ignorant ideas that we have swine flu. Thanks Michelle Bob.
• Ever the athletes, the Duggar-bobs hit the Jones Center for a spirited game of broomball. John David-Bob explains the rules to us, and then basically says that they break all of the rules. I’m totally disillusioned.
• Josh-Bob and Anna-Bob get ready for a Dr’s appointment, and we see that they have an iPhone and iPod alarm clock. Wow, the merchandise at the local consignment shops has certainly improved recently.

PLAY BALL!
• The Duggar-Bobs head to the ballpark for their PR opportunity. Jim Bob explains that they’ve been invited by the Springdale Naturals to visit. No, you’ve been invited by the NW AR Naturals to visit. Thanks for playing. This should be entertaining.
• We’re treated to a sports montage which includes a rare glimpse of Michelle Bob’s arms and legs in her carnal days as a cheerleader. (As if we needed a reminder that she was once a harlot before Jim Bob saved her soul and introduced her to generic keds and long denim skirts). Jim Bob also mentions that he used to play basketball, and pretty much sat on the bench the whole time. I’ll give you a moment to pick your jaws up off the floor….
• The Duggars hit the batting cages, which basically means JB tosses the baseball and then runs away like a scared little puppy when the ball is hit his direction. This leads to the following conversation:

JB: “Well honey, it doesn’t look like I’m gonna be a baseball player anytime soon…”
MB (clearly reading a script and giggling) “that’s ok, you’re batting 1000 with me!”
<<>>
Duggar bobs: “awwwwwww”
Amber (me): BLECK… (gagging noises… searching for a bucket)

• All is well as they recover enough to throw out 20 first pitches all at once. This basically means that they pelt Strike, the creepiest mascot ever (seriously, was a clown not available??) with line drives. I’m ok with it. Strike needs to be put out of his misery.
• Jim Bob, ever the sportsman, feels that it’s necessary to explain the rules of the game to the kids, especially the girls. From the likes of the conversation I’m pretty sure he should’ve consulted the rulebook himself first. The conversation goes a little something like this:

“The pitcher throws the ball to that other guy. If the ball isn’t right over the base, then that’s a foul and this guy doesn’t have to try to hit it. If he gets 4 fouls, then he gets to go to first… actually I think that’s called a ball. Oh look this one here might be a homerun.”

And with that bit of baseball knowledge, I’ll leave you to go to sleep with visions of Duggar bobs dancing in your heads. Also, here’s a look at me in front of the Duggar Bus on the night this episode was taped. That’s right, I stalked their bus…. And I’m sharing that proud moment with all of the internets.

Television with a purpose....

2009-08-17T22:44:00.005-05:00

I came home tonight and got started watching “Hoarders” on A&E. Turns out this will be yet another “car wreck” show where even though I’m disgusted by it, I just can’t stop watching. Just to give you a glimpse, one lady was a food hoarder. Sadly, this is because she was crazy poor once and didn’t have a choice in what she ate. Somewhere down the line, the desire to have choices warped into hoarding food from 5 years ago in the pantry. It was the most revolting thing I think I’ve ever watched, and as we all know I have pretty low standards. Seriously, they used shovels to scrape the rotten food off of the floor. When the professional cleaner in a hazmat suit/mask leaves the room gagging, you know it’s bad. I was convinced at one point that I had somehow obtained smell-o-vision in my duplex, as I too found myself gagging.

Somehow in the process of watching this overwhelming display of nasty, I realized that this show really made me feel better about myself. In some bizarre way, I can watch and then proudly look at myself in the mirror and say “hey, you’re not so bad after all.” Self serving? Yes, but who cares really. I also came to realize that this is not the first time I’ve found myself reassured by my viewing choices. Other examples of my television reassurance include:

**before we start, I’m gonna have to ask that you stop judging me now…. I’m trying to be transparent here. ***

• Trading Spouses: because no matter how you trade it, there’s a whole lotta crazy out there, and I’m not married to any of it.

• SuperNanny: because even though I may be childless, when I see a 7 yr old beating the tar out of his mom or yelling from the upstairs toilet to “wipe his A**” childless is looking pretty amazing.

• SuperNanny (2): I have pretty great clothes, and none of them include anything that resembles that horrid purple Worthington suit she wears from the local JC Penney.

• Springer: because everybody has the crazy in her family. I’m just thankful I’m one of the lucky ones who doesn’t put hers on the front porch for all the neighbors to see.

• The Bachelorette/Bachelor: because even though my dating life seems to stay in the proverbial toilet, I do not feel that I have exhausted all options in favor of going on national television to let millions witness that humiliation. Also, I would never go near the hot tub in those mansions. Seriously, do they hand out penicillin at the door?

• Oprah: because I may not be a bazillionaire, but I don’t need my own magazine cover to have an epiphany that I’ve gained 40 lbs. Also, I can get excited about things and raise my voice without sounding like I belong on a Jerry Lewis Telethon.

• Jon and/or Kate plus 8: Because even though my ex may be a big douche, even on my worst day I don’t appear to have a rabid porcupine resting on my head and I would never freak out over melted ice cream.

Last but not least…….

• 18 Kids and Counting: because my Cabbage Patch bangs grew out 20+ years ago, my hypothetical children don’t have phonetically spelled names (jinger), my also-hypothetical husband doesn’t have hair that’s lacquered more than a Ken doll, and most importantly, when I sneeze my lady parts do not submit to the gravitational pull of the earth.

There ya have it…. More randomness than one blog should hold. This is also more proof that I shouldn’t be allowed out of the house without my Adderall, and I definitely should protect the public-at-large from the inner recesses of my random little pea brain!

Good night all!
Amber

Tug of War: Regaining Control, and Relinquishing the Reigns

2009-08-16T13:44:00.006-05:00

So it's probably not necessary to explain that I've been on a blog hiatus lately... for 7 months to be exact. To be honest, my life was just so incredibly hectic that I barely had time to breathe, much less blog. So naturally, I didn't. Ironically, I probably should have... I find the whole "bear your soul to the world" thing to be quite therapeutic in an odd sense. Regardless of how many journals I've kept in spite of the hectic pace of my life, it's just not the same. Maybe Mom was right, and I really DO need to be the center of attention all the time... haha. Anyhoo, I'm back. I have a huge break before my next school session starts, and I can't tell you how happy that makes me! I've been at this for a while, and I don't know when I've actually, truly NEEDED a break like I did this summer. Seriously, ask my family and they'll validate!

I've been thinking a lot over the last few weeks over the idea that God is my Provider, and how the meaning of that has evolved over the years. I'm ashamed to say that I never understood the meaning of "trusting God" until my divorce, when I was faced with situations I couldn't handle. Because of my finances, my provisional focus was monetary. God did provide in more ways than I can express. But what I didn't realize was that he was providing in so many more ways. My focus was so narrow at the time that I couldn't see it. Yes, I experienced a number of miracles financially but he also provided the comfort I needed, the peace I never imagined I could have, and strength beyond any of my own capabilities. Because of his provision, I not only survived the trial, but my life has thrived since then and throughout it.

I've said this a number of times before, but it bears repeating. Once you've been blindsided by a situation as I was, you go into this odd sense of survival mode...or at least, I did. Because I was so tragically unprepared for the worst in that situation, I wanted to make sure that I was prepared for everything. I became obsessed with controlling every detail of my life. I cannot tell you how many planners I've owned, how many calendars I live by, and how many lists I write before I make a decision. I'm always thinking about my future, and mentally preparing for what could or couldn't happen. All at once, it seems like the most logical and the most frustrating thing I do in my life. Over the years, I've noticed that this quest for control has grown greater and lesser depending on the situations that surround me. Sometimes it's easier to stop, and others it's not so easy. Regardless, it's something I'm conscious of, and wish I didn't do.

When I really start to think about it, it bothers me that this one event still has an effect on my life. I've worked hard to make sure that it in no way defined me, but it would've been impossible to prevent it from affecting me. I am above all things, most grateful for the disguised blessing of this trial, and the woman God has allowed me to be through it. I know that although unexpected and heart wrenching at the time, I wouldn't be half the person I am if it hadn't happened. I don't regret a single decision I made that led me to that point. I truly believe that the blessings outweigh the proverbial curse here. I just never thought I would still be giving it much thought this much later.

I find it frustrating that God has to teach me the same lessons over and over again. I'm also grateful that God is much more patient with me than I could ever be with anyone else. Seven years later, I'm still trying to plan, prevent and protect myself from the inevitable worst, and seven years later I still have to be reminded that even my best plans are nothing compared to the amazing things God has in store for me. No amount of worrying, scheduling, and budgeting will make God's plans for me unfold or culminate any faster than they would without my "help." Nothing I can say or do will change those plans either. You would think I'd learn that by now, but it seems a reminder is necessary. I have to remember that God has never stopped being my provider. Even though my circumstances have changed and improved drastically since those months during my divorce, I still need him just as much as I did then, only in a different manner. Just as he provided for me financially when I literally had nothing, he's there for me affectively today. When my strength dwindles, he is there to sustain me. When my worried mind keeps me up at night, he is my peace. When I am sad or lonely, he provides the most amazing people in my life to make me laugh and to give me the privilege of friendship. When I feel unloveable, he surrounds me with unconditional love that I cannot even fathom. He is now, and has always been my constant. I just have to learn to be more willing to trust that. Major work-in-progress here... Did I mention that I'm not a patient girl?

~Amber

The Duggar Wedding: Love, Legos, and Leotards (preferably in a pastel color)

2009-01-26T01:34:00.006-06:00

******Disclaimer**** 1 1/2 hours of Duggar-bob Nuptials makse for a REALLY long blog!!

If you live in NW Arkansas as I do, you no doubt noticed a shift in the atmospheric pressure a few months ago. While to the uneducated citizen these would be attributed somehow to global warming or simply the Arkansas weather that we love so dearly. However the chosen few who are “in the know” realize that it was in fact due to the fact that the eldest Duggar child, Joshua Bob was recently married, thus ending an engagement filled with frustration, akward side hugs, and hand holding sex. Thanks to the generosity of TLC, we got a peek at the festivities with 1 ½ hours of airtime tonight. Naturally, this begged for a blog, and left me with an even weaker filter than normal. So I’ll just apologize right off the bat to anyone who’s offended…. That’s all you get, otherwise I’d still apologizing when I’m 60.

First 30 min… Wedding Prep and Adventures in Fine Dining:

• We first learn that this is a mere 3 months after the engagement at the Putnam County House O Gator. I was shocked at first, then realized that their poor virginal hands probably wouldn’t have lasted under much more friction.

• Joshua Bob hauls his sisters to Florida with him to help Anna Bob with the wedding preparations. In the car footage, we notice that Jinger-Bob seems to be quite fixated on a giant jar of pickles, which would go to support my theory that she’s gonna be the one who ends up with a shot-gun wedding and subsequent stint in rehab later.

• I immediately realize that Anna-Bob’s giggle is the most annoying sound on the planet, and if they’re going to dress a like, she at least needs to buy a shirt that fits her.

• Anna-Bob has decided to take advantage of the free labor her betrothed has brought to her trailer, and begins to order her future sisters-in-law to commence sweat shop labor and begin assembling the bridesmaids dresses.

• Any shots of Anna Bob NOT in the brown striped shirt like Joshua Bob show her in an Arkansas t-shirt. I’m gonna have to ask her not to wear that anymore. Our state needs no more free advertising.

• Apparently Anna-Bob has made Joshua Bob a pillowcase with their picture on it. I’m wondering how this fits into the courtship scheme. Seriously, what circle of hell does that send them to if he has inappropriate dreams about her?! **cough** HARLOT **cough**

• Any pre-wedding shots of the couple show them holding hands up high to the camera, which is about as akward as anything I’ve seen. I have to wonder, is this their way of making Duggar porn?

**side note: Joshua Bob says that now his family no longer sees him as “Josh Duggar,” but “Josh in Love.” Per his request, he’ll be referred to as such for the remainder of this episode.

The Farewell Dinner, aka “My favorite Scene in Duggar Reality Show History”

You know how I always say that I love the camera crew on this show? They always seem to point out the fact that these people are painfully oblivious to the fact that they’re being ridiculed. Well, apparently they are not the only ones…..

Josh-in-love and Anna-bob decide to take his sisters to a nice dinner to thank them for their help. It is here that they encounter a waiter who has officially knocked cousin amy-bob the slut to #2 on my favorites list:

Things Josh-In-Love-Bob could be heard saying at dinner: (spelled phonetically for effect)
• “Oh wow, this is EYE-talian!”

• “Let’s see, I can order this… we’re from Tontitown…”

• “Well that’s FRAY-dough. I think that means cheese…”

• “We’re not used to restaurants with all the silver and glass, where you have to keep your napkin just right.”

• (in reference to the waiter) “He’s really eccentric” which I thought at first was a homophobic remark, but later realized was his failure to understand that he was once again the butt of a joke.

Moments of Hilarity from the Waiter:
• “I like to talk to my customers like family, but with this family they were a bit stand-offish… prolly because their family is so big already. Which is good, because I don’t really think I’d fit in on their bus so to speak. That’s unfortunate because I’m a big fan of bus seating

• “Well, I’ll be in the area, and I would like to participate in the ceremony… I do a lot of tantric dancing, with some sensual moves and I’ve got some skills.”

• “I do tantric dancing, usually in a leotard…probably in a pastel since that seems to work with my body type.”

• “Well I’ll see you there… I’ll be the one moving tantrically.”

• (referring to the first kiss) “I think that’s pretty weak. They should be past that whole first kiss thing by now. I just got mine like a week and a half ago.”

Meanwhile Back at the Church…

• Last minute preparations are being made, with some help from seemingly normal church ladies. This all-but dashes my hopes of bridesmaid’s dresses from the Laura Ingalls collection.

• Someone asks “hey what are you gonna do with the wagon?” Hello, stereotype.

And back home in Arkansas…

Jana and Jessa play a lovely duet on the piano and still find the time to pack the hockey bus, while Jim Bob and Michelle Bob supervise in between “cervical softening” sessions.

Hour 2: Life Lessons, and the Departure Time We’ve all been Waiting For….

• A quick shot of the church sign shows that they’re marrying at the Buford Grove Baptist Church, which seems to be entirely appropriate.

• Anna Bob has already taken her role as the submissive housewife, and is ironing Joshua-In-Love-Bob’s clothes while he walks around reassuring the crew that they really haven’t kissed yet.

• Cue the “showdown at the OK Corral” music when Jim Bob announces that he needs to have a talk with josh-in-love-bob. He leads him to the Jr. Church room where he hands him a silver present that contains presumably educational materials for the big night.

• J-I-L-Bob (I’m getting carpal tunnel typing that out every time!) reads the title of the first one, which has to be censored. WHAT?! Seriously, what did he say???

• Jim-Bob explains that book #2 was written by the man who did their pre-marriage counseling 20+ years ago. The title is something like, “101 ways to impregnate your wife and still keep her happy,” and I’m pretty sure it comes with a pamphlet full of suggestions on how to teach your own little football team to parent their siblings too.

• But seriously… Jim-bob launches into an incredibly akward explanation of how to get your wife in the mood, (and how women aren’t as instantly responsive as men are) I’ll be honest here. I was so uncomfortable that I may have blacked out a bit… please feel free to fill me in on anything immediately following that point.

• The HIGHLIGHT… occurred sometime after I regained consciousness, and noticed that Jim-Bob in a total loss for words finally says…. IT’S LIKE LEGOS, SON!!! I swear to you… I couldn’t make this stuff up. He further regretfully informs J-I-L-Bob that the book doesn’t have pictures. To which he responds “that’s ok dad, I don’t need pictures when I have a working model of my own, but this will keep me off of the cell phone most of the night anyway!” Ok seriously, he’s NEVER even kissed the girl, and he’s essentially rubbed the skin off of her hand for the past 3 months, and he’d still consider calling his father for advice?!

Here Comes the Bride…eventually

• So it’s finally the hour before the wedding, and we get our first glimpse of the Bates Bob family, (for the most part, sans prairie clothing) and……

• COUSIN AMY-BOB!!! Who is pretty much relegated to the back of the church, until she’s called upon to give her dear cousin advice on his first kiss. She orders “fireworks” and no lip-biting. The groom laughs, and later says that she was unhelpful.

• Amy-bob then is seen decorating the get-a-way car which was strictly against orders (because according to J-I-L-B, nothing better delay his departure time). She clearly doesn’t care, as she proudly shows the roll of Saran Wrap to the camera. She’s already going to hell, might as well make it worth the trip.

• Jim-bob (who until this point has been seen standing around and eating.. poor thing, his feet probably hurt again) has lost his dress shirt, and appears to be entertaining the idea of wearing his polo shirt under his suit jacket for the family photos. Really, what Duggar event would be complete without at least one male in a red polo shirt?

• The Bates Bob boys are sent to the saran wrapped vehicle to retrieve the wedding rings. They stand on each other’s shoulders to maneuver their way into the car without damaging the decorations. Impressive, I’m sensing a promising career in that “acrobats of china” show at Branson in the not-too-distant future.

• Shot of Jim-Bob eating again…. And Josh-in-Love-Bob getting crabs in a church closet

• Getting ready: Michelle bob says “I just realized this will be the last time I get to shave his neck for him” Really?? That’s all you have to say?

• The girls are all piled in the bathroom, and creating perfect hairstyles in a room that I would imagine wreaks of home made hair spray. Seriously, I’m concerned for the unity candle lighting, as it’s within a 20 mile radius of the restroom. After achieving hair perfection, they all but force Anna-Bob to wear makeup. She’s really freaking out over this one. Maybe Michelle bob should loan her the hot pink blush/lipstick combo…

• Shortly after, the Duggar bobs all pose for pre-wedding pics. This includes the bride and groom. All is well until Josh-in-Lust-Bob steps on Anna bob’s train and rips it off the dress. Easy J-I-L-B, your 15 seconds will be here soon enough…

• While observing the photo session, Jim Bob remarks that the wedding is pretty much for the wife, and even though it’s not necessarily enjoyable for the husband, he should play along to because it’s something she wants to do. Hmmmm let’s all take a moment and think of another area of the Duggar family where this idea might apply…. Like oh, 18 times and counting…

• Wedding begins, and there are several maids who appear to have bird habitats on their heads. Let’s just pray that the flock doesn’t poo on the bridal satin. Ironically, Michelle-Bob’s bangs look unusually tame.

• Amy-bob is in the back of the church whispering the play-by-play. I’m thinking she has a good shot at being a golf commentator. Also, Anna-bob explains her choice of Bridesmaid’s dress, saying she could make it for a little girl or a big girl, which makes me think that she’s implying Jinger-bob needs to go on a diet.

• After the LONGEST processional ever, the bride is given away by her father, and I notice that the boom and cameras are all draped in tulle. The bride and groom proceed to the platform arm-in-arm, which in Duggar-ville is basically 2nd base.

• The ceremony begins, and includes some really interesting words from the Minister which instruct the couple to allow God “to instruct them in the timing and number of their children.” And I thought Jim bob didn’t contribute at all….

• After a struggle with the ring (because months of hand holding sex makes a girl’s fingers swell…) the couple proceeds to the unity candle and Josh-In-Love begins to sing to her. I’m immediately reminded of the Duggar family field trips in the church bus where they sang Amazing Grace in 4 part harmony. They finish there, and naturally commence the akward side hugging.

And for the moment we’ve all been waiting for…. (and by we, I mean the 2 of you still reading…)

Both sets of parents join the couple on stage, and they all stand facing the congregation while hugging one another. (Let’s be honest, they look like the who-ville people singing around the Christmas Tree in the Grinch movie.) Jim Bob pronounces them man and wife, (because really, this day is all about him) and we all watch in wonder as the first kiss commences….
….
…
…
…
…

BREATHE PEOPLE !!!
….
…..
…..

GET A ROOM!
….
…
And FINALLY Hannibal Lector (seriously, I think he chewed her nose off...maybe that's why she didn't want to wear all the makeup!) ends the world’s longest kiss, and heads toward the reception so that he can get to the good stuff…

The reception highlights include:
• Several remarks by the Duggar children that Anna bob will have “love marks,” which in my best estimation means hickies..

• One of the Bates-bobs catches the bouquet, giving hope to young John David that he too can have hand-holding sex one day like his older brother.

• Cousin Amy-bob’s car antics do delay “departure time” a bit, but all is well when J-I-LUST-Bob pulls out the pocket knife

• Sadly, no sightings of the tantric dancer

The couple head to the local Super 8 where there are TLC cameras waiting on them. We see them in route, and notice that they are listening to the Duggar-bob’s marriage mentor via CD advising them that ““love involves close bodily contact, which involves the pleasure of seeing, touching and enjoying with all the senses…. Knowing each other in the most intimate sense possible. “

And they all lived happily ever after…..

WELCOME BABY 18... THIS JUST NEVER GETS OLD!

2008-12-23T00:34:00.005-06:00

Yes, folks, it’s finally here! Michelle-Bob has delivered her 18th little miracle, and naturally I found it necessary to blog in celebration. Seriously, I invited people over for a little impromptu gathering, and commenced in watching the episode. Somehow in the process, I lost my otherwise in tact filter, so I apologize in advance for any offense! HA! Warning, there was a lot of material here, so it’s a long one. Grab a coffee and settle in for a long winter’s blog, shall we?

Picking Baby Names

The family have gathered in the boys’ room, including Joshua-Bob (clearly married) and with Anna-Bob on his lap. This much PDA is just a little bit uncomfortable in the Duggar family. However, I’m happy to see that he does appear to be less frustrated than he was while enduring months of “hand holding sex” with his betrothed.

The second thing I noticed is that Jennifer Bob and Johanna Bob are toddling around in cute normal baby clothes, which makes me wonder, “at what age does a Duggar-Bob begin to dress like a polygamist?”

The family vote commences, and Joshua-Bob’s suggestion is Juanita. Again, he’s clearly partaken of his daily tater tot casserole serving today. Also, the youngest Duggar-Bob boy is seated at his mother’s feet, and I’m immediately concerned for his well-being. One sneeze, and they’re renaming this special to “and baby makes 17 again”

Jinger -Bob eye rolling count: 1

After a heartwarming scene that includes campaign signs and a “stuffing the ballot” statement that is just SCREAMING euphemism to me, Michelle-Bob goes to count the votes. She seems to be having difficulty with this task, which not only makes me concern for her ability to keep track of her growing brood, but also does explain the “Lost in NY” moment from earlier this season.

Keep Your Pants Buttoned, and Unnecessary Explanations

Now it’s time to go visit the hospital. We know this because Jim Bob has utilized the family PA system to call his children to the church van. He then notices that little James-Bob has lost the button on his jeans, and instructs him to keep his zipper up. Wise words to live by, Jim Bob. Perhaps you too should take heed.

Jinger-Bob Eye Rolling count: 4

Anyway, the church van pulls up to Mercy Hospital, and James Bob is still playing with his pants. Couldn’t they have stopped at the Thrift Store and get a new pair?

Jim Bob overly explains how “this is the place where momma will have the baby taken out of her belly” Two thoughts:

a) I’m pretty sure that they’re well educated on these matters already, thus making the explanation totally unnecessary
b) I’m also pretty sure that Jim Bob should have said “This is where we’ll bring momma in a few weeks if she doesn’t sneeze alongside a flat of generic corn in Aldi and lie her in swaddling clothes in a cart she rented for a quarter….”

Pelvic Reassurance, and a Today Show Appearance

Now, we get to meet the OBGYN, Dr Sarver; aka "the sucker we paid enough to deliver this kid and waive any right to malpractice” has apparently agreed to do a “v-back” delivery. Because if you’re over 40 and your plumbing is resting in your pantyhose between your knees, it’s natural that you would want to go ahead and take another risk during delivery.”

I’m struck by the fact that she’s taking great pains to be modest in the ultrasound process, but has invited all of America into the delivery room…hmmmmm Also, according to JimBob, Michelle-Bob has learned to work with her labor, which I find to be a good thing since working against it would pretty much be futile.

The culmination of the office visit is when Dr Malpractice informs the viewer that Michelle has a very strong pelvis. Whew… I was worried about that. Now I will be able to sleep tonight with this knowledge.

The next scene is in the kitchen, where the family are being interviewed by The Today Show. I’ve gotta tell ya, Joshua-Bob annoys me somehow. Every time he’s on camera, I get the feeling that he’s rehearsed his lines 15 times in front of the bathroom mirror. Also, kudos to Meredith Vierra for keeping the eye rolling to a minimum, however the same cannot be said to Jinger Bob, whose count is up to 6.

Baby Shopping, and a Mini-Soapbox:

Personal note: I have been in this store they are shopping. This is NOT a discount outlet. I was not alone in the room in wondering how they can do a show on how thrifty they are one week, and 3 weeks later spend 45.00 on a onsie?! Seriously, JingerBob and JessaBob are slaving away making homemade soap, while Jana Bob is perming her sisters’ hair for hours on end, but they walk away with a baby fur coat, matching hat, and boots. Something’s not right here. Thank you TLC.

Jim Bob says shopping wears him out. It makes his legs and feet hurt, In fact, he’s just done in 15 min. It’s really difficult to stand there and participate in that. Well, guess what Jim Bob?! I’m pretty sure that in the 13 years of her life she’s been pregnant, her legs and feet hurt, and she’d also like that little watermelon to be delivered in 15 min, but it just doesn’t happen. I’m also pretty sure that after 13 years, it might be difficult for Michelle Bob to “participate” in other activities in the marriage bed, but she continues without complaint, AND still home-schools the other Duggar-Bobs, makes you tater-tot casserole, and maintains the Cabbage Patch Kids bangs to perfection. So grab a rocking chair, hand over the wallet, and hush because we all know you’re not really paying for this junk.

Jim Bob then takes my advice, and notices the youngest Duggar-Bobs rockin out to music on children’s toys. (Seriously, we’re talking fisher price here) when Jim Bob starts to explain how they limit music choices because music can start to control you. I’m not kidding. Is anyone else alarmed that this man was once a State Representative??

Child-birth classes, and God’s Better Ideas…

Does anyone else find it odd that after number 18 they STILL attend birthing classes? I’m pretty sure that by this point numbers 10-17 have left directions on how to head out the fastest. Actually, I’m kind of picturing the Duggar womb (yeah sorry) as a sort of time capsule with graffiti. Maybe there’s a little bit of “take a left just before the scar tissue” and a little “Jedidiah-Bob was here” on the other side.

Anyway, the Duggar Bobs may be overachievers, but it’s clear that the other 2 couples in the room are not as amused. This might have something to do with the fact that the instructor (who is all but wearing her I heart JimBob button) begins the class by saying “wow, you two look round!!” Does this woman have a death wish??

The class begins working on labor positions, one which resembles a bull frog. While I’m comfortable with the other two “round ones” participating, I’m feeling like this is totally a game of Russian roulette with the Duggar Bobs.

Now for the high(low)light of the show, and for my personal maturity level. (I’m gonna have to include my friends who were watching in my living room as well) The instructor starts speaking about cervical softening (yeah I just dry heaved typing that one!) which totally peaks Jim Bob’s attention. She is trying to be discreet, but he just won’t let it go. The conversation culminates in her explaining that this is an incredible tool from God that means “incredible sex during pregnancy,” and is one of “god’s better ideas.” She instructs them to have fun, to which Jim Bob responds “BLESS GOD!” Yeah, we backed up the DVR for that one.

Happy Birthday Jordyn-Grace (deep breath) Mikaya-Bob Duggar!
The last 5 minutes of the show cover the actual birth of number 18. We see Michelle-bob packing AND calling the hospital, and Jim Bob tying his shoes. Yeah, his legs probably hurt a little, which is I’m sure difficult for him to endure. Oh and Grandma Duggar has made him breakfast, because he’s clearly the important one today.

Michelle calls the Dr’s office and says “I THINK I am in labor…” you THINK?! Yeah, um at this point you should know.

Jinger Bob eye rolling count: 10. She’s so over this now…

Good News: the baby is transverse, which for all of my fellow childless wonders out there means that she’s sideways. I actually knew this already because around July of every year, my mother reminds me that I too was transverse, but not delivered via C-section. As if reading my mind, I received a text from my dear mother that said “YOU were transverse!!!!” Seriously mom, it’s been 28 years… build a bridge.

After an annoying stint of JimBob and the camera in Michelle Bob’s face, Jordyn Grace Mikaya Bob is born. Note to Jim-bob: if you have to take a recovery breath before finishing your child’s name, you’ve officially got too many syllables. Please keep this in mind before naming number 19.

For the two of you who are left, congrats, and thanks for the perseverance. Now I’m off to sleep, where I’ll try to think of ways to rescue JingerBob from the cult before her eyeballs roll out of her head. If that doesn’t work, I’ll just set the DVR to record Celebrity Rehab: 2015, because I figure that’s when Jinger-Bob will make her debut. Jeff Conaway will be gone by then, and Dr Drew will be ready for a real challenge.

Good Night Jim Bob, looking forward to the Joshua-bob-gets-married episode!

Of Prairie Clothing and Paintball Guns....

2008-10-14T00:19:00.002-05:00

We all knew it had to happen eventually. After almost exactly 4 months of hiding I have finally returned to the blogosphere. More on my absence later but tonight we have more pressing and important issues to discuss....the thing which tore me away from studying and homework…. The thing which made me realize that for once I had far too much to say and there MIGHT just be a few people gullible enough to read it. What is this thing you ask? Drumroll please…..
…..
…..
….

17 Kids and Counting

If you know anything at all about me, you know that among my many, many, minor obsessions lies my obsession with the Duggar family in Springdale. Just to fill you in, they have 17 children and are pregnant with number 18. Dad (Jim Bob) was a State Representative for a bit and Mom (Michelle Bob… not really but you laughed so it was worth it) raise their children, home school their children, etc all in the great state of Arkansas (insert stereotype here). Oh and just for kicks they named ALL 18 children with “J” names. I won’t list them all here, but you should know that there is also a Jinger (pronounced to most like Ginger, but I call her Jinger-Bob) and it took them all the way to number 17 to find a Jennifer, which I found to be quite hilarious.

Anyhoo… For a few years now TLC has produced several hour long specials about this family, and now they’ve seen it fit to bless us with 30 min weekly glimpses into the Duggar life. Consequently, I’m crazy excited and cannot stop talking about this. Seriously. I’m not kidding. I feel that I need to share my observations with the public-at-large, not because I think you want to read this, but more because I know that I will pretty much explode if I don’t get to share my thoughts. Translation: I’m single and living alone, and you get to listen to me because of it. Lucky you.

So last week focused on the Duggar value of “courtship” instead of dating. Joshua-bob (the oldest) has found his true love at a homeschool convention in Texas, and he’s flying to a Gator Restaurant in Florida (for real) to ask her to marry him. Here’s the catch: they cannot kiss until their wedding day. They also cannot be without chaperone until they are married. Cut to Joshua Bob popping the question which culminated in an akward side hug. The two like-birds (because love-birds would be far too carnal) then spent the remaining part of their time together (they traveled to AR too with her sisters in tow as chaperones) holding hands with such vigor that I’m pretty sure they removed skin from each other’s thumbs. During the course of this episode we also learned that Jim Bob and Michelle Bob (well I guess at the time she was just Michelle) went “too far” and kissed before marriage. I think I missed the next five minutes of the show just because I was shocked and in total disillusionment. Luckily I recovered to see the like-birds pick chaperones for their date (Jana-Bob and one other J-boy-bob took the responsibility from Jinger-bob because they had to be 18 to see the movie they were going to. Poor Jinger Bob. She always gets the short end of the stick… including laundry duty for 19 people.) OH and don’t think the irony wasn’t lost on me that they can’t kiss before marriage but they CAN go see an R-rated film. What’s gonna happen if they SEE unmarried people kissing? On second thought, I’m glad Jinger-bob doesn’t have to endure this pain.

Cut to this week in which the Duggar-Bobs welcomed the Bates-Bobs to Springdale for a visit. The Bates-Bobs have 16 children and choose to dress their blessings like children of a polygamy cult, only brighter. They’re also apparently here for 2 weeks, which I found odd and horrifying until I realized that it would most likely take that long for the Bates Bobs to unload, shower, change and repack the church buses for the journey home. Apparently EVERYthing is bigger in these kinds of families. To spare you brain cells and me carpal tunnel, I’m bulleting the rest of this week’s episode:

• The Duggars have a tour bus. Seriously. I’m resisting the urge to paint it like the Partridge Family Bus. They already play instruments, and Branson is 2 hours away. I’m sensing an entertainment opportunity here, and I’m gonna have to ask for 20% of the profits.

• Grandpa-bob Duggar doesn’t want anymore grandbabies. Let’s hope he has some real influence here. I for one don’t wanna be the unfortunate passerby in wal-mart when Michelle-bob sneezes and unfortunate medical mishaps follow. (fill in the blank for yourselves… even I can’t type that)

• Cousin Amy-bob is my favorite. She’s been in every episode thus far, and she proceeds to say on camera what everyone watching the show is thinking out loud. Furthermore, she parades around with her short hair and tank tops with a puppy who is better accessorized than all Duggar bob girls combined. I’m pretty sure she’s forced to wear a scarlet A or something at Duggar family events.

• The Duggar-bobs and Bates-bobs (with cousin amy-bob in tow) head to Branson to Silver Dollar City. Upon arrival, the Bates-Bobs realized that they’re dressed almost identically to the SDC cast members. How embarrassing. Thank god for the generic KEDS or they might have lost one or two.

• Cousin Amy-bob reminds the viewers at least 7 times that her ipod is her best friend because her cousins sing hymns in the car. She also asks the filming crew for prayers. I just love her.

• Paintball: because 33 children who know they can barely look at the opposite sex without tightening the lock on the chastity belt have no pent up frustrations at all and CLEARLY need guns.

• The Duggar Bobs go skydiving, and their instructor’s thick accent rivals that of the Governator. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I would think that understanding the instruction prior to jumping out of the plane is paramount. Also, while demonstrating the tandem techniques with Jim-Bob I’m pretty sure he violated some rules of courtship. (sorry mom)

• Note to Amy-bob: check the parachute again! This might just be the perfect time for cousin Jim bob to “cleanse” his family of all hoochiness if you know what I mean.

• Jim Bob takes his last few pre-jump moments to kiss Michelle-bob (and provoke envy in his male children who cant do the same). He also contemplates the likelihood of creating Duggar-bob #19 just in case he doesn’t make it. (PS he looks seriously green in the plane….quite entertaining)

Luckily, all 72 Duggar bobs survived the experience and will likely resurface next week. And for the 2 of you still with me after this novel, I’ll leave you with the image of both families (33 children, 4 parents, one unclean cousin and 2 fetuses) sitting in the living room singing Amazing Grace while TLC inserts slow-motion clips of skydiving, Silver Dollar City and Paintball wars. Life is good.

Good night Jim Bob!

Emptying the DVR: The Next Food Network Star

2008-06-15T23:31:00.015-05:00

So I've been absent lately. It turns out there actually CAN be life outside of the internet! Go Figure! :) Anyway, I've had this whole "welcome me back" blog that I was going to post tonight, but the storms and BIBLICAL rains have prevented me from getting the pics off of my camera phone. Trust me, you're gonna need illustrations for this one. Stay Tuned people. So instead, I started emptying the DVR tonight, and other than the fact that I got sucked into the TV Land awards (which will require another blog for itself entirely!) the highlight on this stormy evening was "The Next Food Network Star."

This is one of those shows that I keep on the back-burner of the DVR just in case I have a lull in my viewing. Thank God for that since tonight called for such an occasion. After all, one can only watch the parade of animals in pairs down her street for so long before the stinch gets annoying.

First, Some introductions:

Meet Jennifer, she's a mom from Woonsocket, RI and she just plain annoys me in the way that only someone from a place called "woonsocket" could. Her schtick is fun family friendly foods, and quite frankly I'm baffled as to how her child has survived thus far. Tonight she made grilled mashed potato pizza for goodness sakes. Anyway, she's clumsy and she insists on wearing pigtails with a flower in her hair, and for that I hope she leaves soon. Plus, her kid's name is Lyric which is just asking for therapy when she's older. Other than the mashed potato grilled nasty she made, she doesn't do much. I just felt the need to vent about the pigtail thing. Seriously, listen people. Unless you're a) a 14-year-old girl b) dressed up for halloween (this one is marginal) or c) on a wendy's cup... DONT wear pigtails. PLEASE. Ok i feel better now. Back to the bloggage..

Next is Adam, but until this week I called him raw foods. By that, I don't mean in a trendy Demi Moore kind of way, I mean in an "I don't know how to fully cook an egg" kind of way. Tonight he kind of redeemed himself with his cheese fries, but honestly, do we REALLY want our next food network star to ONLY be able to cook CHEESE FRIES?? I think not....Plus, these weren't even like loaded cheese fries. These were potatoes fried and topped with cheese. No bacon, no green onions, no ranch dressing. Just cheese! I give him a couple of weeks, max.

Now we're to Shane whom I'm bound to dislike simply by virtue of his first name alone. Let's just say I have a history with that one. Anyway, I find him kind of creepy somehow, probably because he's so quiet. Also, he's incredibly pale which makes me think he's been living in some sort of molester van stalking play grounds or something. He's not stellar, but more on him in a bit.

And then there's Lisa who has total Suri Cruise hair and completely loses her eyes when she smiles or even speaks. Also, she uses enough bronzer for all of Brad and Angelina's children. Seriously, I've never seen someone bronze her face so that it LOOKS like she wore sunglasses in the tanning bed....until her. Anyway, she's actually pretty good, but she's one of those crazy perfect people who probably folds napkins and does flower arranging in her sleep, so I fear her.

Now for the most psycho of them all..... Kelsey aka the over achiever. I cannot convey to you how flippin perky this chick is, and that's not at all a good thing. This girl is TEENY and I swear she has a coordinating headband for every outfit. Fashion aside, every single word that comes out of her mouth has seemingly been rehearsed in her bathroom mirror with her round brush each evening. On top of that, she just gives off that psycho sorority vibe that just screams "I'm your best friend, but if you borrow my clothes without my permission, I'll cut you in a heartbeat." Anyway, if this photo doesn't make you barf, 5 min of her phony will. So for those of you who overate this weekend, may I suggest that you DVR this chick ASAP. Five min of that and you'll be on the Mary-Kate Olsen diet plan soon.

I swear I'm getting to a point here people. In light of the fact that our last two finalists seem to be the picture of perfection, imagine the hilarity that ensues when it is revealed that the guest judge for the week is....

Martha Stewart (yes, I know that the pic is outdated, but i love it. Seriously, only Martha could go for an extended stay in the Pokey and come out a fashionplate, especially in light of the fact that we all know she only knitted it to cover up the freshman 25 she put on in the slammer...)
OK, side note here. I LOVE me some Martha. Not quite in the way that i love Oprah, but close. The main thing I love about her is the cold controlling personna that she tries desperately to hide beneath the perfection. I especially like it when she loses control. (like the time when she'd totally met her match with Ted Turner and he refused to make bison burgers on air...FABULOUS) Anyway, she somehow gained the authority to tell people EXACTLY what she thinks about things in front of a live studio audience and a million television viewers. I just love it. But I digress,....

Anyway, the big challenge for the contestants tonight is to create and market a food product for 50 high-end food buyers. SO the contestants scramble through the chelsea market to find the perfect ingredients and start to create. They work feverishly and show up the next morning scrubbed, polished and ready to market to the buyers. All is ok so far, Mr. too-quiet is stumbling over his words and regretting naming his sauce "cherrie-gac," Suri Cruise no eyes is killing the buyers with her professionalism and Lil Miss Over Achiever is serving.......... SLOPPY JOES. Yes, her years of culinary school and instructing in such institutions has lead her to this very point. She's serving SLOPPY JOES on national television. I'm sure her creme freche professor is just beaming right now.

Then comes the big reveal that Martha is the guest judge. While the majority of the contestants are keeping their respective cools, Suri no eyes and Miss Over Achiever have both peed respective puddles from the excitement. No eyes ways so overjoyed that I thought her bronzer was going to leap from her face and do a happy dance beside the jars of orange marmalade on her table. It is at this point that the Perky headband wonder is struck with a sick sad reality: she is serving SLOPPY JOES to MARTHA STEWART! I gotta tell you, the shock and shear disappointment on her face make me giggle... A lot. This is the thing that one who is the perpetual chubby girl kind of dreams of... when the perfect tiny girl begins to crash. Sorry, it's not pretty but it's the truth. Ask around.

Anyway, the judging begins. First is Mr Creepy Mc too quiet, whom i'm pretty sure is secretly doing the happy dance over the whole Martha Stewart thing too. She takes a partial bite and immediately says "You REALLY need salt you know." Just like that, she has defeated him. Martha 1, Finalists, 0. It is then that he cowers back to the corner and dreams of happier days in the ice cream truck.

In the interest of time, I'm just gonna tell you that the vast majority of these were either very much the same, with the rare exception. One of which being Lisa, who I swear to you was smiling so big that I'm pretty sure her eyes completely inverted somehow. She serves Martha, all the while gushing about how this is her dream, blah blah blah,....she's stellar nonetheless, and I'm pretty sure her eyes have returned to normal now... maybe.

As you might have guessed, the highlight of the viewing was Martha's judging of Penelope Perkiness. She immediately starts gushing just as Suri No Eyes has, but this time it's just plain annoying and decidedly less effective. Martha wants to get down to business, and inquires to what PP is serving today. She explains that these are "Sloppy JANES" because they're a little bit sweeter than normal sloppy joes which she believes is reflective of her super sweet personality. (her words, not mine... i swear.... barfing yet?) Martha is unamused, and the perky wonder continues to overcompensate for her culinary blunder. STRIKE ONE Martha ignores her and upon inspecting the food asks for a fork. Mortified, PP tells her she doesn't have any, and watches as Martha reaches to a competitor's table for a fork. STRIKE TWO. The situation goes further down the proverbial toilet and ends with Martha discussing the matter with the other judges. She confesses with great emphasis "I just do NOT eat food like that at ALL." STRIKE THREE. Thanks for playing.... I'm pretty sure she can still be found writing in perfect script "I will not serve Martha Stewart sloppy janes" over and over again in her perfect pink journal.

The moral of the story? Sloppy Joes were never a good idea in the school cafeteria. Likewise, they are certainly not a good idea to use when impressing one's iconically perfect idol. Even if said delicacy is given a sugary sweet, vomit inducing name.

Angelic Choruses and Admitting I Have a Problem

2008-05-10T22:54:00.006-05:00

I feel the need to clarify something, especially for those of you in Northwest Arkansas. Without a doubt, at approximately 2:00 pm CST on Thursday you heard an alarming loud noise ringing through the air. I've gathered from the speculation that the consensus that it must have been some sort of odd alarm system. It's now my time to clear the air. That "noise" was in fact the magnificent chorus of angels heralding the END of my semester. Yes people, I am officially celebrating summer! That means no more 2am study sessions, no more drowning in a sea of textbooks, and in general the temporary abandonment of things like Ramen noodles and the hermit lifestyle. I MIGHT even have normal brain function returned to me in the near future, which is something I was certain I would never see again. So, let the angels burst forth in song... I'M FINISHED!!!!!

In other news, I've been realizing a lot lately how much I depend on television. I first noticed this during the writers strike. I frequently found myself lost because there was just nothing to watch. I was literally disappointed when my DVR was empty. Consequently, I felt this sudden rush of emotion and overwhelming joy when the strike ended and my normal viewership could resume. This week, I experienced similar emotion when I got to sit on my couch and empty the DVR in what would be hours of mindless viewing just because i could. Yes, I know this does not project greatness of me, but the sad fact is that it's true. Because I'm an embarrassingly honest person, I'm blogging this for the world to see. While we're on the subject, if any of the seven of you who read this are pretending to be appalled by my viewing habits, drop the charade now. We all know you're in your respective homes sneaking in as much of "The Soup" as you can just so you can just so that you can follow along with Rock of Love without admitting you're hopelessly addicted to the STD lust-fest. No you're not actually watching it, but you might as well be, so that officially puts you DANGEROUSLY close to my level of sadness and television dependency. To you I say face it, own it, and be honest about it. It's a much happier lifestyle.

In honor of my new (or not) confession, I'm listing the signs that television has bizarrely influenced my life. It's not gonna be pretty, but it's necessary to complete my 12 steps. Enjoy:

As a child, my dreams were not to be a princess, but rather to be Laura Ingalls Wilder. Yes, I ACTUALLY dreamed of wearing prairie clothes like the polygamist cult women! (of course, without the stylish clogs and the unibrow... i couldn't bring myself to dream THAT big) I have vivid memories of me and my friend Mary sitting at the table taking corn nibblets and sticking them on our teeth to make buck teeth like Laura's. Plus, I just knew that if my teeth and prairie dress were right, I would have Almonzo all to myself. That feathered hair was just plain hott.

I know ALL of the lyrics to an alarming number of television theme songs.

I pride myself on the knowledge of obscure facts about my favorite shows. In addition, I'm quite competitive with acquaintances who want to challenge said knowledge.

When Nick at Nite came to the Shaddock household, I spent a great deal of my time watching Dick Van Dyke, Mary Tyler Moore, Bob Newhart, etc.....I was 12-ish at the time.

I once asked my grandmother to make me some new dresses. When she asked me what I wanted them to look like, I told her to watch Donna Reed. I wanted dresses like Mary's. I personally thought they would complement the mullet nicely.

I've said this one before, but when i was really young, I loved "The Brady Bunch." This would have been fine except that a) I had NO idea that these were episodes airing WELL into syndication, and b) This fact not only made my crush on Greg Brady completely unreasonable, but also extremely sick since he was my father's age.

I have a very well thought list of the best series finale's ever.... and I have lengthy arguments and descriptions ready at will in case someone decides to argue with me.

I feel that because I have been an avid viewer for a number of years, Oprah and I are buds. Consequently I feel like I have the right to comment freely on her personally and professionally. I'm also still reeling from the fact that I didn't get my invitation to the Legends Ball or ANY of her "favorite things" shows.

Sometimes (and not OFTEN) I hear a song on the radio and think it should be my "driving to work" background music.... I also think about what my theme song would be for the hypothetical sitcom that is my life.

I know what time it is by the show that is on while i'm working, etc.... even if it's just for background noise,

I joined my gym based on the fact that there was a flat screen television on EACH cardio machine. This way I can work out without compromising my television viewing at all.

I went back to my old job to say hi to my former co-workers. Approximately 85% of them followed the "Hi Amber" with "So... what do you think about LOST?" Apparently I made an impression.

Yes, there are a number of more examples, but I'm tired, and I'm going to bed. In case you were wondering, yes, I will watch a little TV before i fall asleep. C

Oprah and Tom: Just hangin' at the lodge like normal people

2008-05-02T23:55:00.005-05:00

So if you know anything about me at all, you know I love Oprah. I know that if I ever met her, I would turn into a blubbering mess of babble and giggles. I would also forever regret the fact that in the very moment in which I met her, any familiarity with the human language escaped me. But I digress….

I love Oprah, but I’m quite realistic about her. 20 years later, I still feel a TEENY bit offended when she feels the need to educate us white people about the things black people do, and I’m still amused when she is fascinated by the simplest of things (i.e. the way to check herself in at a hotel on her road trip) and the fact that somehow along the way to billionaire-dom, she lost nearly every ounce of common sense she had when she was a morning show host in Baltimore with a bad perm.

She also loves to name drop… and in the tradition of the 50th birthday, Legends ball, and Julia Roberts/George Clooney episodes, this displayed premium name-droppery. Today, we find Oprah hanging out at Telluride with Tom just chatting it up like normal people. I watched, and felt the need to share my random thoughts with ya…

In what is a hideously staged greeting, Oprah pulls up in the driveway as Tom and Stepford-Kate walk out on the front porch. I’m immediately struck by the fact that from this angle, it looks like Tom is taller than Katie. (or at least, he wore the shoes with the lifts in them and Katie wore the ballet flats. The three great each other in strangely hushed voices that instantly make me think of the rumored “silent births” in the Scientology realm.

Katie is directed out of the house as Oprah changes into her Scientology slippers that Tom has waiting for her. Katie delivers her “I love you” line perfectly as she exits stage left. Then comes the mini tour of the Telluride estate, which I’m sure I found more entertaining than I should have.

Tom first shows off “Suri’s office,” which is pretty much a glorified cage under the stairway. You think I’m kidding. It’s something that I would have kept my Cocker Spaniel in years ago. By “office” I’m assuming that he means this is where she’s kept when she starts displaying signs of independence or the slightest sign of being “glib.” I’m sure that Katie too has an “office,” but judging from her fast exit in the mudroom, I’m guessing it’s somewhere on the back of the property.
Tom shows Oprah the kitchen and the cupcakes on the counter. I’m just noticing the roll of “cupcake” through Oprah’s sweater just as she refuses the offer. Apparently she’s back on trainer Bob’s track this week, and I’ve gotta tell ya that’s probably not a bad idea.

The tour continues, and we see the family area. I immediately start wondering which sofa he’ll jump on this time. Also, this is the time on MTV Cribs when they would show you “where the magic happens.” Clearly, we’ll be skipping this portion of the tour. We all know that the only “magic” that happens in this household is when Tom busts out the Judy Garland CDs and ruby slippers. I’m betting he’s seriously perfected Jazz hands by now.

In lieu of the “magic,” Oprah moves on to the leather-bound scripts on the shelf, and we’re treated to a montage of Risky Business. Supposedly, this interview is being done to promote the 25th anniversary of the film, but I’ve got a hunch that this will be the only time during the hour it is mentioned.

Now we get to the meat of the show: the interview where Oprah asks the tough questions. Instead of the play by play, I’ll give ya bullet points with my random thoughts:

• Oprah starts the interview by reminding us that she is on his couch with her shoes off, presumably in another futile effort to reach out to the little people. (as a stereotypical shoeless Arkansan, I totally felt connected to her. I’m currently signing over my paycheck to her Angel Network because of it)

• Tom pretty much blames the repeated “couch jumpery” on Oprah herself. Apparently, she kept encouraging him to do so, and he felt like he should just keep expressing himself that way. At the risk of being “glib,” Oprah refrains from defending herself.

• Oprah: (commenting on the house and the land around it): “This is amazing… Just beautiful! Tom: “This is me.”

• Tom believes that he and Brooke are even closer now through the post partum incident.

• Matt Lauer was pressuring him during the interview, hence the diarrhea of the mouth that followed. (and apparently the tea and crumpets with Brooke as well)

• He really DID buy the sonogram machine… but just so that the Dr could come to them, and they could avoid the hassle of public life. Cry me a river because a) you HAVE the money to buy the stupid machine and b) because you feel that the career you’ve chosen, interviews you’ve given, and couches you’ve jumped on have made you a target. Guess what? It’s all you bubba… you’ll excuse me if I don’t grab a tissue.

• It looks like Tom’s been skiing a lot at Telluride, but I’m not so sure it’s not just blush on his cheeks...still trying to decide on that one.

• Oprah is now speaking normally, but Tom still has the Scientology hush thing going on...It’s starting to annoy me.

• Oprah asks about Nicole, apparently their relationship is good. (I know you were worried) THEN Oprah proves that she’s even further out of touch with reality when she asks if there’s ever a time when they’re ALL together at once (meaning him, Katie, Nicole, Keith…. EVERYONE) For once, Tom almost shows human emotion when he says “No.” Seriously, how many divorced people do YOU know who still schedule joint family events? I for one am QUITE content to keep my ex outside of a 20-mile radius.

• Tom’s best friends were always his mom and sisters. One of them should give him lessons on how to apply makeup. I’m leaning more and more toward the blush idea…

• Oprah has now moved to the opposite end of the couch, presumably in preparation for him to get excited and jump around again.

• Has he been misunderstood in the last three years? Yes, definitely (bet you didn’t see that one coming! I know it blew me right out of the water…)

Then comes my favorite part of the show, when the two take a snowmobile ride to Tom’s favorite place. Predictably (or not, I had my hopes set on some sort of Scientology dungeon… but I’m a bit of a pessimist that way) it’s a point on the property where you can see the mountain range. Yes it’s beautiful, peaceful, blah blah blah… My favorite part was actually before the journey when Oprah decides that she’s riding with Tom. If you’ll remember the Oprah/Gayle road trip last summer, you’ll agree that this was a better choice. She doesn’t do well with operating “common” machinery. But I digress… Tom clearly had not planned on this happening, and it was very evident on his face. Oprah then flops herself on the back of the snowmobile, and we see again why she’s taken herself off of cupcakes for a while. Tom wedges in between the line-o-cupcakes and then they take off. Cut to the “action shot” where the vehicle is TRUDGING through the snow…and I mean TRUDGING. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep, but I giggled… a lot.

Ironically, it was THEN that I felt she was relatable! Go figure…

Mean Girls: An Extremely Lengthy Open Letter

2008-04-30T21:00:00.003-05:00

Girls are evil. There has never been any doubt in my mind about this. Since my earliest days of kindergarten when girls on the playground would say stupid things about other girls just because they didn't have the right bow in their hair, I've understood this. Sadly, as females this seems to be somehow embedded in our DNA. I have yet to witness a girl, be it child or adult who is exempt from this hideous genetic trait. It is for this reason (coupled with the thought of a watermelon springing forth from my loins...yes, I just typed loins) that the thought of having children terrifies me. The way I see it, I will either a) have a daughter who at some point and time is bound to become this being who can switch from "sugar and spice" to "venom and viciousness" in 2.7 seconds or b) I'll have a son whom at one time will fall in love with the little girl from the exorcist, and I'll be forever mending broken hearts for the rest of my life. Add in the watermelon factor, and my "single and childless" status is looking more and more promising! :)

I was once again reminded of this when I was informed that I've become quite the topic of conversation in one of my circles, and not in the "spotlight" way that makes me happy. Instead it has been catty, uninformed and unnecessary speculation about my personal life and more specifically my finances. Why these people seem to think this is ANY of their concern, I'll never know, and I'm even more clueless as to what makes them think that their judgement of me is in any way appropriate. Regardless, their speculation and subsequent conclusion that my "dependence on daddy" is the reason for my success in life is not only grossly incorrect, but just plain rude. I could ALMOST justify their comments if I were a horrible witch to them, but I'm not. In fact, I am quite the opposite with these people. I actually care about them, and I do my best to show this every day.

I am so frustrated and upset right now, that I can't even mold my emotions into words and phrases. A good friend of mine wrote about a similar experience recently... a co-worker who rushed to judgement about him. The phrase he kept repeating is "you don't know me." How true this is. In my loss for words, I'm borrowing his. The fact is, regardless of how long these people have been ACQUAINTED with me, (a mere 8 months) they do not KNOW me, and yet they think they need to make assumptions about my character, and the content of my life. It's silly, isn't it?

So in the interest of getting to know one another, here are the things you should know. You choose to make assumptions about me, therefore I'm choosing to inform you. Yes, I could stoop to your level and fight back in stereotypical playground fashion, but that is not me. Instead of attacking you in the manner you have attacked me, I'm choosing to inform you.

Just so you know, THIS is Amber:

I am a strong, confident woman who is PROUD of who she has become. Yes, there have been times in the past when my personality was less than stellar. During this era of my life, I was tragically unaware of the things best achieved by hard work and dedication. I will be the first to admit this. However, you do not know this "Amber," because I am very proud to say she no longer exists. The Amber you think you know, or could have known is much wiser now, and discerning around people who have many cheap words but little time to listen or observe.

I am a determined individual who agonized and budgeted for quite some time before I decided to uproot my life in the way I have. I did not take this decision lightly in anyway, and I will not sit back and wait on a hand out from ANYONE in order to follow through with my choices.

On the same note, I am a girl who is grateful beyond explanation for her family who have provided more than the hand out you described so cattily. Their unconditional love and support has sustained me for 28 sometimes tumultuous years... and have helped me become the woman I am. "Grateful" is far too shallow a word to describe my deep appreciation for them. How DARE you even approach that relationship with your gossip and hate.

I am the one who has been humbled far more than I could have imagined, or would wish on my worst enemy. Yes, I do know what it means to LITERALLY only have 40.00 to my name, no source of income, and a wealth of betrayal and loss to cope with, but I still count myself among the most fortunate of people on this planet because of this experience. Consequently, I am overwhelmed with appreciation for each and every day I am given and every single gift with which I am blessed.

I am not the shallow individual you would like me to be to make you feel better about yourself. In fact, there are depths to me that you will never know now because of your judgement. You see, I'm also an excellent "wall-builder" to separate myself from those whom I cannot trust, and you are now placed in that realm.

Yes, I am all of these things, and so much more. You wouldn't know that though, you just glanced at the surface: the "things" that you didn't have and chose to assume things about me instead of just asking or God forbid, being a friend.

Because of your assumptions, I am disappointed... that I've once again misinterpreted friendship.

I'm frustrated... that once again I find myself with this overwhelming need to justify and define myself to those who misrepresent me to anyone who would listen.

I'm angry... that you found it appropriate to degrade me in any way at all, but especially by attacking the thing that I hold the most dear: my character. I'm angry that I've let your pettiness and rudeness bother me so, and that I've devoted so much of my evening being upset about the situation. I'm angry that in your lack of entertainment, you attacked the people I love most just to make yourselves feel better about the lives you live.

I'm also guilty of being this mean girl. I do my very best to not be her anymore, but I have been in the past... and it is part of the "Amber" that thankfully does not exist. No, I am not innocent in anyway at all, but I am absolutely conscious of it's existence, and I work every single day fight the "mean girl" mentality. For those whom I have judged unfairly, I sincerely apologize.

It's sad really, there are so many more interesting things in this world to speak about. Our country is at war, we are in the midst of the most interesting Presidential race in years, gas prices are sky-rocketing, and people are negotiating gas vs. groceries on a daily basis. LOST is back on television for goodness sakes! Yet with all the controversy around us, we still sometimes find the need to create our own controversy and drama. I don't understand this at all. Grab a newspaper, do a crossword puzzle, read a book, get cable, or even take some time to sit and bask in the little things in life. Take the time to appreciate the proverbial "little things," just don't tear other people down because of your lack of entertainment.

Yes I am all of these things and so much more.... and now I'm done with you.

Random Cameraphone Pic O'the day

2008-04-29T19:55:00.004-05:00

Because every waking moment of my life belongs to school at the moment, this is all you get. I just thought you should get to see what I have for the passed 2 weeks. More creativity to come, but for now this is all you get!

In other news, I just realized I'm currently doing homework and I'm eating Ramen Noodles. This isn't stereotypical at all! And by the way, who on earth truly likes this stuff? It's just nasty! This is definitely just a necessity meal....BLECK!

Being Prepared and Stories of Self-Sabatoge...

2008-04-26T21:13:00.006-05:00

A lot going on lately, hence the lack of bloggage. Here's a quick update for ya. I hope to have a life soon, and also a more consistent blog too :)

1. School is crazy, but I'm starting to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.
2. Knee is better, thanks to a week off of the gym. I'm very stubborn, so conceding that this was in fact the best thing to do was not easy for me. Anyway, I'm still going to the ortho but I'm feeling better about the dwindling chance of surgery in my future.
3. iPhone has now survived in tact (and scratch free) for two weeks. Gold star for me. New case (to replace the broken one) has now survived a day and a half.
4. Weight loss is officially 21 lbs as of yesterday. Maybe it's the adderall, maybe it's the workout, or maybe it's just that i have little time to breathe much less eat. Whatever it is, I'm a happy (and lighter) girl!

On another note....

I've noticed something about me just recently. It's long been a known fact for me that I'm always braced for the worst. I try desperately not to be a pessimist about things, but it just happens. I don't even look at it as being pessimistic, but more like being constantly prepared. I really think it's because for so many years I was blissfully unaware of the possibility that things could go wrong for me. I spent so many years in this state of blissful ignorance that when the most severe example of "things going wrong" did happen, it knocked me completely off of my feet. For years, I would field the "how didn't you know?" question and each time I had to re-evaluate that. I had to re-live my life over and over again, searching for signs that I never saw--searching for the ways that I had caused it. Each time I resolved that it would NEVER happen to me again.

It was then that I began bracing for the worst. Without knowing it, I began evaluating the worst possibility of the situation just so i would be ready. I didn't expect it, but I felt I should be aware. It's kind of like getting into a really cold swimming pool at the first of the season. Yes it's easier to just jump in and get it over with, but the vast majority of the time I gradually get in, each time pausing to let my body get used to the temperature. The end result is the same, but this way I let myself get used to it on my own timetable, and I save myself the shock. So I've spent my life (mostly unconsciously) dipping my toes into the pool of uncertainty and impending doom. I just want to make sure that i'm never ever caught off guard again. I can't deal with that shock.

Yes I'm quite certain it stems from some overwhelming need to be in control. Maybe it's just that I don't want to be embarrassed again. Either way, I'm constantly guarded, to the point that I am afraid to be truly happy and relaxed about almost anything. I had a "freak out" recently and the response from a dear friend was to "relax and enjoy it" I don't know how to do this. I've always called it my own little self-sabotage game I have. I'm constantly in fear of jinxing my financial state, scores on a test, or the big one: relationships. For that reason, I don't speak of them. It's silly, and I've always thought that I'm just protecting myself from the possible embarrassment of things going wrong, but now I realize it's different.

The truth is, I'm terrified to be happy. It's crazy to think of, but in the deepest realities of my life, it is true. If I'm happy, truly happy then I'm unguarded again. I'm relaxed, and completely trusting and overwhelmingly in danger of being knocked off of my feet again. I just have to be prepared for that moment when the grade is bad, the money isn't there or he inevitably stops calling again. Then once again, I'm faced with the questions: How is school? When do you get to see ___ again? It scares me, and I don't know how to fix it. The bottom line is, I just don't want to hurt and thus far, I've done everything I can to keep myself from hurting again. Somehow in my quest, I feel like I've lost the possibility of my happily ever after, whatever that means.

Bracing for the Mack Truck.....

2008-04-17T22:08:00.004-05:00

So you want an update? Ok I'll give you an update....

As I recall when we last met I was recovering from the loss of my precious iPhone and subsequently.. the loss of 450.00 that I really didn't have to spend. I was quite frustrated at that point and time. Little did I know that event was only the beginning... I'll start my update from that point. Brace yourselves people!

Since I got my new iPhone Saturday morning:

• My garbage disposal broke

• My knee popped and began throbbing

• I lost service on my BRAND NEW phone about 5 hours after its purchase.

• Bowled the WORST game of my life (the standards were already pretty low get frustrated and stomp foot further damaging the knee

• Reset iphone in hopes of getting service. No luck

• Completely reloaded iphone per Apple website… no luck (read that I probably have a damaged SIM card)

• My 3rd graders (and one PRECIOUS first grader) in Sunday School informed me that they had ALL beat my bowling score the night before.

• Went to At&t to replace my damaged SIM card (less than 24 hrs after purchasing the new phone). Make new guy (“Lawrence in traning”) cry in the process. Maybe I was a little assertive?

• Activated 2nd iPhone in 24 hrs. Reload music.. contacts… etc…. still no service

• Went to At&t AGAIN. This time ask teary-eyed Lawrence-in-training for his manager which made his emotional issues worse. After ultimatum is given I left with a completely new iphone.

• Activated 3rd iPhone in 24 hrs. Thankfully (for my blood pressure’s sake) this one works.

• Spent the hours of 3pm and 1130 in front of the computer desperately trying to catch up on homework and such. Pray that God will somehow extend the month of April by 2 months.

• My knee was still throbbing and swollen Monday. Dr at the clinic checks it out and informs me that I have a tear in my meniscus. Possible surgery in my future.

• Went to the gym anyway on Wednesday. Got home frustrated with my lack of work out abilities.

• New iPhone case breaks.

• Left work tonight and didn’t realize until I got home that I’d left my laptop at the office. (hence the return of the missing comma) Now officially one day behind my very tight schedule for completing my work for the semester

Whew! Let me just remind you that this has ALL happened in less than a week. In addition to all of this I have a crapload of school stuff to finish in the next two weeks! In one class alone I have 25 online assignments left to complete before the 30th. I also have a 5 page research paper due next Saturday (which I just started today). I have a community service presentation due at the end of the month that’s worth as much as my final in that class. Oh and I’m supposed to figure out how to create a website from the ground up before then too. I’m a bit overwhelmed people!!!

Seriously I’m waiting on the Mack Truck to mow me down in the parking lot or something. It’s pretty much the next natural step in the process of my life going down the proverbial toilet.

Can't a girl just admit happiness once??

2008-04-12T15:46:00.002-05:00

So apparently I cursed myself with the "life is fabulous" blog....

I woke up this morning ready to get things done! I had laid out my plans the night before, and was completely ready to fill my unusually empty Saturday schedule with little chores and things that I'd been avoiding forever. I got up and went to the gym around 8, and quickly realized yet another benefit to the new meds. Not only do they make my appetite go away, but they gave me some serious workout fuel! I had the best workout in a month! I left the gym sweaty and smelly, but feeling GREAT about myself. Now onto the apartment to conquer the rest of my day....

I had already started my laundry before the trip to the gym, so i switched it over to the dryer and started cleaning the bathroom. My plan was to get that clean and then hop into the shower. I suddenly realized that I still needed to take my tiny little vacuum cleaner to the repair place around the corner. I walk into the shop (still smelly and looking quite hideous from the gym) and immediately declare to the owner that "I'm a girl, and I don't know if the machine is broken, or just clogged... either way I needed help" Now let me interject here that my vacuum is not the high roller of cleaning machines. It was cheap, small for my apartment, and lime green with sparkles so i bought it. Anyway, so after my declaration, I hand over the machine to the owner at which time he goes "Not to be offensive or anything, but you really need to buy a vacuum cleaner, because this is NOT one." Lovely, now i'm gonna have to be insulted by the man with no teeth and a mullet. This should be fun. Twenty dollars and about 30 min of painfully akward conversation with the man's father later, (during which he informed me that I was stupid for choosing to be a teacher. Gee, I wonder what he's done with his 4th grade education?? sorry, but he was rude, and I'm still pretty bitter) I walked out with a clean vacuum cleaner and head home to finish my tasks.

It's somewhere between the loading of the sparkly "non-vacuum cleaner" into my car and getting my keys out of my purse that it happened: My lifeblood... my my right hand... my iPhone somehow leaps from my left hand and goes crashing down toward the pavement.... it bounces a few times and just lies there... begging me to rescue it from the filthy place in which it lay. I approached it slowly, and realized that my worst fears had been realized: there across the left corner were two large cracks in the face. I couldn't do anything with the touch screen. It was completely ruined.

Long, painful story short (well maybe not) I purchased yet another iPhone this afternoon to replace the broken one. See, because it's an apple product, At&T won't insure it. Funny thing is, I got an 8G (my old one was the 4G) for 150.00 cheaper than the original one. Oh and I got a shiny new case to prevent this from happening again! haha

Just a kink in the happiness... other than that, all is well! :)

THAT makes me happy!

2008-04-11T23:06:00.002-05:00

So it’s been pointed out to me by a few of you (some of you kindly) that I’ve been bloggy absent for a while. Certain people have even brought back my own words to somehow guilt me into returning to bloggage. Naturally, I’m not going to name names, but you know who you are. My apologies to all of you, not necessarily for my absence but more for the fact that I left you hanging with that God-awful image from American Idol (which I STILL haven’t watched again). Regardless, I’m back for the moment. I could give you a long list of excuses, but let’s face it, I’ve given them before. Build a bridge people… and enjoy this brief update, complete with more happies than you can shake a stick at….

Happiness is…

ACCOMPLISHMENT… In my absence, I’ve joined a REAL gym. I’m happy to say, I’ve been in said gym at LEAST 4 times a week since I joined. Considering my schedule, my going 2 times a week would be a feat in itself. Call me an overachiever, a wannabe, or even a sweaty chubby girl… I don’t care! I’ve set a goal and so far I’m sticking to it. Which brings me to “happy” #2…

SKINNY JEANS!! Yes people, I got into the “skinny jeans” today. Now, bear in mind that MY skinny jeans are quite depressing for a large portion of the population. In fact, I MIGHT even say that my skinny jeans = post maternity jeans for some people. Who cares! They made me feel good today! Yes, they are 2 years old and horribly out of style with the bedazzled pockets, but hey, they FIT! WOOHOO! I felt so good about myself today that I came home and put on the dreaded swimsuit. DUM DUM DAAAAAAH. I’ve gotta tell ya, I didn’t shutter at the sight of me in the full-length mirror. It wasn’t great, but it certainly wasn’t repulsive. Yes, there might be hope for the beach this summer after all, and THAT makes me happy!

FINDING A SOLUTION… Most of you know that I quit my job and overturned my life about 8 months ago. Yes, it was a huge adjustment, but the biggest fear for me was not the money. It was, and still is the thought that I might very well fail. School has never ever been easy for me. Yes, I survived, but it was difficult and the vast majority of the time I just quit when I got too overwhelmed. I never understood why things were so incredibly frustrating for me. Now I know. I found out that I’m ADHD and I’m on meds. I have to tell ya, just knowing that there’s a REASON takes such a weight off of me. The sense of validation has done wonders for me… now I’ll let the medication do the rest. ☺ Anyway, Seeing a light at the end of the tunnel makes me happy!

CHEFOGRAPHY WEEK! I LOVE LOVE LOVE me some food network y’all. This week is heaven for me… Chefography all week long! I mean seriously, can Duff and Paula get any cuter?? THAT makes me happy!

NEW OFFICE! Dear God, Thank you for blessing our great country with laughter and antics from the gang at Dunder Mifflin. Without the akward moments from Michael, knowing glances between Pam and Jim, deadpan Stanley, mood swings from Jan and the quirkiness of Dwight our lives were just not complete. Because of them, we can laugh, and for that we thank you. Amen for making us Happy!

A CLEAN CLOSET!! Because I live in an apartment and STILL choose to own more clothes than could clothe an ENTIRE African nation, I have to switch out my closet according to season. A couple of weeks ago, I got to switch out my sweaters and heavy coats for short sleeves and flirty skirts! In the process I got rid of 5 bags of clothes and 2 bags of shoes and purses. I can ACTUALLY see the floor of my closet now. I know it’s strange, but the whole thing just makes me happy!

NKOTB REUNIONS!!! Holy crap am I excited about this one?!? I was SUCH a fan, but far too sheltered to go to their concert before. Andra and I have already vowed to go to this tour regardless of distance! I’ve even vowed to dig out Andra’s old concert shirts from 1991 and wear one… We’ll be decked out in shirts buttons and FAR too old to be excited about that, but we don’t care! THAT makes us happy!

OTHER THINGS… that I can’t/won’t mention at the moment, but they’re cautiously happy now! ☺ (cryptic, eh? Haha) Let’s just say it makes me happy!

FRIENDS AND FAMILY I know, I know… I say that all the time, but I’m truly blessed. The fact is, they’re great… they keep me grounded and take me for what I am when I’m insecure and a complete nerd. (which is much more often than I care to admit) They love me and let me laugh till my tummy hurts. Thanks guys for giving me more happies than I can imagine! You guys make me happy!

Ok there are so many more things I could add to the list, but I’ll stop for now. The fact is, that through all the frustration, confusion and feelings of treading water, I’m still incredibly blessed. Life is just plain fabulous!

I finally watched, and strange celeb look-a-like of the day

2008-03-19T14:06:00.003-05:00

So against my better judgement, I finally watched American Idol. I've been a faithful watcher every season until this one, and quite frankly I'm just not into it this year. Anyway, I decided to start watching again last night. I was absolutely unimpressed by the vast majority of them. Full blog to come later, but here's who i think needs to go this week. Forget the atrocity that is his voice, He repulses me to even look at him. Besides, he looks strangely like John Travolta in that horrid battlefield earth scientology film, and for that alone he should be banished!

Random Cameraphone pic of the day...

2008-03-18T13:59:00.003-05:00

This was the picture on the "feminine products" machine in a restroom in Conway. I took the picture because it looked strangely like the Marie Osmond "paper roses" album cover. It cracked me up for some reason.

That's all I've got people... I don't feel like blogging today!

Shades of Red

2008-03-14T22:55:00.002-05:00

OUCH!!! I've read some of your blogs in which you go on and on about the fabulously warm weather you've all been having. You've all no doubt, thanked God (or whatever you believe in) for finally sending Old Man Winter away with his bags packed. Well I've got news for ya. The warmth is not from the sun, or the potential of springtime just around the corner. It is, in fact, the heat radiating off of my back and tummy today. Yes people, the thought of revealing my pasty white legs to the world on Easter Sunday has forced me to purchase my inaugural month of tanning sessions. I was excited because a) I really LOVE to tan. it's a great little nap for me in the middle of the day and b) tan fat looks MUCH better than the pasty white variety any day. This can only help both my weight loss and "find-a man" pursuits. So... maybe in my excitement I got a little over-zealous with my tanning time, who knows? The point is, I'm fried crispy. I went to the baseball game tonight, and never got cold at all. People around me were covered in blankets and i had only a light sweater. I was happy.... until i got home and realized the true reason!

In other news... here's reason number 2,127 why I should never be allowed to open my mouth. So Tuesday I'm walking through the Student Center on break when I notice a guy sitting at one of the tables. The guy has a HUGE bottle of Aquafina sitting in front of him and a package of dry, instant oatmeal in his hand. He then proceeds to open the package of oatmeal, toss back a mouthful and then swig the water in his mouth before he swallowed. I was absolutely repulsed, but more perplexed than anything, especially since he was sitting no more than 10 feet from a microwave. ANYWAY... So this is hilarious and bizarre all at once, right? I stood at a distance and just stared for the longest time, all the time not realizing how long I'd been there. So naturally, I have to share, and proceed to do so with a guy in my Lit class that afternoon. We're walking down the hallway, and I'm telling him the story (quite loudly, go figure!) when i turn around (for more support from the people walking behind us who were also listening to the conversation) when i realize that THE oatmeal guy is RIGHT BEHIND ME. Furthermore, he's in my Lit class. I was mortified, but at the same time not so sure that a guy who would eat dry oatmeal like this would have sense enough to care.

CUT TO THURSDAY... when I'm finishing one of my morning classes and decide to tell the story (again, loudly) to the other people in the room who hadn't been privileged enough to hear it. The class is appropriately perplexed and I've gotta tell ya, my version of the story had really been perfected over the past two days. Having re-told the events to half of NW Arkansas, it had pretty much reached perfection. Regardless, I was the center of attention, and since I adore the spotlight, I'm feeling good about myself.... until I walked out into the hallway only to find a group of students waiting to go inside. This group of students included (you guessed it) THE OATMEAL GUY!! I know he heard it. The look on his face was about as pointed as the looks i've know from my ex-mother-in-law in my married days. You don't give these looks casually. Needless to say, I was 15 shades of red then... but this time not from the sunburn.

Note to self: buy stock in sunblock and duct tape.

Treading Water and Notes to self...

2008-03-13T10:38:00.002-05:00

So with the exception of what might just be the most hilarious video ever, I've been a bit "bloggy absent" lately. It's not that nothing's been going on.... it's more like EVERYTHING has been going on and i just can't process it enough to blog about it! The fact is, the last few weeks have just been one big game of "catch up." The only way I can describe it is the feeling that I'm treading water and there's no shore in sight. It's no big deal. I do this every now and then. The fact is I've kind of grown accustomed to it: the clutter, the sleepless nights, sudden moments of panic.... it all goes away as quickly as it came on. Spring break should help. That's next week and I'm SOOO ready for it!!!

Other than that... here's what's been happening:

• TV IS BACK!!! and I’m more engrossed in L O S T now than I ever have been! I swear, this might be IS the best show on television. It freakin blows my mind virtually every week! (note to self: see more of Sayid in a tux… HOOOTT) This brings me to my next point…

• ATTENTION WRITERS/TELEVISION EXECS: PLEASE oh PLEASE never do that to us again! Because of the squabbles (and yes, I know the writers had a point) the viewing public have been subjected to such hideous reality programming as: “moment of truth,” “crowned,” and the ever-disturbing “your momma don’t dance” (blog on that to come). We’ve paid our dues, and we cannot take anymore!

• WEIGHT LOSS UPDATE: 7 lbs and holding. By holding, I mean regardless of the amount of exercise I’m doing (every day!) the scales don’t seem to budge. I’m using the “building muscle” excuse for now, but soon that’s not gonna work….(note to self: calculate maximum number of times/month “weight retention” can be used as an acceptable excuse!)

• MICHAEL BUBLE' is the most fabulous man on earth. Bottom Line. He is INCREDIBLE in concert, and I just love him. He just has this swagger about him that literally makes me shiver with excitement. (note to self: add “must have swagger to “need a man” list) I’m convinced he proposed to me at least 3 times during the course of the evening, and professed his love for me another 27 or so. Quite frankly, it became a bit embarrassing after a while. The dirty looks from the people around me were a bit much too. ☺ Bottom Line: we’re planning a small, quaint affair in June for the ceremony and a party for our friends when we return. Watch the mail for your invite. We’re registered at Tiffany, Macy’s and Dillard’s.

• MAC LOVIN: That’s right people, thanks to a fabulous deal from my e-buddy Billy, I’m officially one of the cool kids. I love it! Life is good now, and I can work on it in the student center with pride. I’m thoroughly enjoying the newest member of my family. (note to self: search for engraved announcements with an apple on them)

• BOYS stink. That’s all there is to it. I swear I’ll never ever understand them. I’m pressing forward with the Match.com thing, and it’s proving to be an entertaining experience at the very least. Anyway, I’m trying my best to get the “overly-cautious” part of my personality under control. It’s getting better. We’ll see if that works. (note to self: keep the self-sabotage to a minimum)

Ok there is more, but i'm feeling lazy at the moment. More updates later!
Amber

This cracks me up!

2008-03-06T22:21:00.002-06:00

So i know i've been pretty scarce lately... I've just been overwhelmingly busy. I'll be back soon. In the meantime enjoy THIS VIDEO. I think it's hilarious! Have a great weekend people!!

Am I really to that point????

2008-02-26T11:43:00.001-06:00

So i'm talking to someone today and he says "you really look good for your age." Seriously??? Has it come to this??? Somebody please tell me I'm not already on the downhill slide!!!

Randomness on Valentines day...

2008-02-14T23:33:00.011-06:00

It's a little late for this... I realize but it's been a seriously busy day! :) First of all.. Happy Valentine's day people! Hopefully you all had a day filled with chocolate and L-O-V-E. For me it was just another day really. I got Valentine wishes but other than that it was just a Thursday. I went to class... went to work... fell face down in the grass when the wind blinded me with my hair…blah blah blah. Just another day right? Personally I've never ever seen the big hoop-la about it anyway. I can honestly say that I've had ONE really great V-day in 27 years. (excluding the elementary school valentine fun) a couple of years ago. You know what made it special? It wasn't the flowers or the candy or anything like that.. .it was the fact that it was thoughtful. In reality isn't that what love is anyway? Love shouldn't be shown out of obligation on a commercial holiday... instead it's the everyday: the proverbial "little things" right? Ok enough of the V-day schpill... The point is that I'm very very fortunate to feel loved every day: maybe not by a significant other but by my family and fabulous friends who make it fun to be me! Thanks guys! You're the greatest!!

In other news...

I've lost my sunglasses....every pair of them seems to be missing right now. As a result (and also because of the FABULOUS weather today) I had to resort to wearing my old old OLD Oakleys. These are eyejackets circa 1996-ish and only venture out of the junk drawer when I jog. Yes they're horribly unattractive but they stay on and I don't care if they get all sweaty! In the picture below I'm rolling my eyes at the sheer tackiness. You could see that but there's more mirror on these lenses than in Miriah Carey's dressing room. Anyway I just thought I'd share the horror with ya.. enjoy

OH and the best news of all? I got my first student loan dispersment today JUST IN TIME!! Whew... I was seriously needing it! The good news is I'm getting a great deal on a much needed iBook!! I've always wanted one... but my laptop is on it's last legs. I've been feeling the impending doom of a computer crash and i THINK I might be able to head it off now! It absolutely kills me to pay (relatively) large amounts of money for ANYTHING these days but this is a need... besides I'm getting a GREAT (FABULOUS.. INCREDIBLE) deal on it. Now if i can just take a deep breath before i hand over the $$ I'll be ok!!

One final V-day memory for ya...

A few years ago at JBH my team decided to pay homage to the great Chuck Norris with a I love Chuck Valentines day. We made boxes and handed out valentines and everything. It was hilarious! I handed out spiderman valentines that had Chuck's face on them....My box was fabulous and complete with photos of Chuck and I together celebrating our love. :) Here are a few pics...

Weekend update and an otherwise boring blog...

2008-02-12T12:10:00.000-06:00

So I finally interrupted my redneck marathon (see below) to update on the rest of my weekend. This'll be a boring one.... but I have pictures so that makes it better right? Oh and I do have to say that I'm incredibl proud (I think) of myself for recruiting so many people into the maddness and insanity that was my friday night television viewing...

Mom and Dad had the girls this weekend... so naturally I did too. It was a blast... but my apartment hasn't quite recovered yet :)

Friday I did my observation in Whitney's class. The kids were great! Once they realized that a) I wasn't her daughter and b) there really could be 2 Ms Shaddocks we were cool. Oh and bonus... I got to play sight word BINGO. This is prolly the worst picture ever but that's what happens when a 1st grader who is going to a fire drill takes the photo.

Ryleigh and I hung out while Abby was at softball... apparently my furniture wasn't good enough so she created her own..

And then she found m closet... and my shoes... and my hats....dress up rocks!

In the car on the way to the game. They insisted that we do the kissy face thing. They're a bit obsessed with it now.

Me and Abby

(there aren't any pics of the game... Ryleigh was in my lap most of the time. The other half of the game I was too distracted to take pics!)

This one's just a better one of the new hair... I chopped it again. I'm fairly unattached to the locks at the moment! Funny how that happens! :)

In other news... one of my classes was cancelled today so I've spent the afternoon at home. I've found myself wrapped up in the god-forsaken world that is a Lifetime afternoon movie. God help me. Has it really come to this???

I now pronounce you Buford and Betty

2008-02-08T22:51:00.000-06:00

For the 7 or so of you who actually read this sorry for the absence. The truth is I'm pretty busy... well busier than busy. School is great but it's kicking my tail all the same. Just lots of STUFF lately... you get the picture. For example I've spent my evening cramming in online quizzes and discussion postings. I've done an extremely tedious lab online and I haven't even started my homework. On top of that I have 1 paper... 2 presentations... catch up work on my lit journal... 2 tests and a mound of homework left to complete: all before sunday night. Now do you see why I'm not blogging?

So I came home from work and dinner tonight to start tackling the mass of homework and somehow fate made my remote stop on CMT. As luck would further have it.... there was a virtual marathon of "My Big Fat Redneck Wedding." Naturally... I watched. I realized some time later (approximately 3 episodes later) that had I resisted the urge to watch such greatness in television I would have finished (at the very least) 50% of my homework instead of the relatively small dent I ended up with and calling "progress." I couldn't help it. I was sucked in from minute one. In the first 1/2 episode alone I had enough material for a blog... and aren't you lucky? I'm gonna combine my entire worthless night of television into one convenient blog for your reading (dis)pleasure...

I first started watching at the point when the bride opens her wedding dress which she has ordered online. Apparently she ordered a size 28. Sadly the company shipped a size 8. Instead of sending it back her fiance tries to help. When the "take a big ole breath and suck it in" method doesn't quite work he suggests duct tape. Who knew it had applications in the realm of fashion?

Floral time: The happy couple goes to the florist to order the flowers for the ceremony. I cannot describe the look of horror on the florist's face when she is told that their colors are "orange... black... white... green and we'll throw a lil yeller in there too." Her disbelief and horror was even more entertaining when the groom suggests .. (you guessed it) duct tape be wrapped around the stems of the bouquets. When she refuses he displays pure floral brilliance in when he slams his beer can (which was previously in a paper bag....and is now empty because he chugged it IN THE FLORAL SHOP) on the table stuffs rafia in the bottom and begins to arrange flowers. Yes folks these are the bridesmaid's bouquets. This moment is only made classier when he walks outside and declares that he has to pee and proceeds to scribe his bride's name on the sidewalk outside.

But wait there's more... because the groom has to write his own vows. He turns to his granny for assistance and produces the lyrical genius that follows:

I wish I could put you in a locket.. You're hotter than a hot pocket. We did it in the backseat. we did it in the zoo. I don't care where we do it as long as I'm with you.

Brings a tear to yer eye...don't it?

So it's the day before the wedding and they decide to pay homage to tradition and spend the night apart. As tradition would dictate... the groom has a bachelor party complete with fried testicles and poker. I'm getting teary just thinking about it.

Wedding day...and the morning is off in a panic because the bride cannot find her teeth. (I swear to you. I could not make this stuff up) Yes she's my age but apparently years of dipping and meth have robbed her of her pearly whites and left her to search the trash cans of the local Red Bud Inn for her chompers. She exhausts her search there and goes running to the wedding site where she finds comfort in her mother. The conversation goes something like this:

Bride: I cain't find my teeth
Mother: Yer what??
Bride: My TEETH (opens mouth and points.... visual aids always help)
Mother: Wonnna borry mine??

Again people I cannot make this stuff up. Thankfully the missing teeth are found and no pre-ceremony spit is swapped. Which brings me to the ceremony itself....

Wild Bills Chicken Shack is all decked out.... The guests are seated in their folding chairs (presumably exausted from playing the casino games during the "cocktail hour" before the ceremony.) The arch is brilliantly decorated with several dozen empty beer cans and more rafia. The wedding party proceeds down the aisle and we begin to admire the chosen attire: Matching John Deere t-shirts and yellow ties for the men and cut off overalls and pigtails for the ladies. (brilliantly accented by the beer can bouquets so fabulously designed by the groom himself) The bride has found an entirely different gown (thankfully the duct tape was not necessary this time) and is visibly moved by the sheer beauty around her. The couple vows to stay together and clean each other's guns (not really... but it would've been fitting) and are pronounced man and wife. This time in leiu of a dove release... the wedding party released chickens... yes CHICKENS to commemorate the moment.

The reception is equally classy... and brilliantly highlighted by the couple's riding the mechanical bull together. (let your imagination run there... if you dare UGH) The couple speeds off in a pick-up marked "HITCHED" (the spelling was correct.... i was a little impressed there) and the entire beer can arch is attached to the bumper. How convenient...these rednecks are absolutely time-efficient.

By far my favorite part of the show so far is always the gift exchange. This one was particularly moving. The groom presents his bride with a stuffed animal that he picked up in the claw machine at the local bowling alley. (shown previously in the episode) and the bride presents her man with a pink bowling ball which is so appropriately inscribed:

Think of me when your hand is on your ball. I love you.

Classy? Notsomuch but at least they matched in theme right?

Bear in mind this was only 1/2 of one episode..... I watched 4 in total. Those included rented wedding gowns (because this was wedding #4 and let's face it... why buy at this point) .. Horse manuer cakes (yes... the ACTUAL cake) dumpster diving for gifts and more camo than I care to mention. Oh and just in case you've always wondered... mud wrestling.. yard surfing...sausage polo and mud riding are perfectly acceptable reception activities.

Yeee haww!

Does it get any better than this???

2008-01-31T08:53:00.000-06:00

Exhibit A: At 6:20 this morning... NWACC cancels classes for the day due to weather

Exhibit B: I call in to work only to find out that the office is most likely closing at noon.... this would've been my late night (9:00) so my schedule is cleared for............

Exhibit C: THE L O S T Premier!!!!!! I"m so pumped!!!! WOOOHOOOO!! The return of scripted television (for at least 8 weeks)

Translation?? I'm a happy girl!!!

The great send off...

2008-01-29T12:27:00.000-06:00

So I decided to give my fat cells a good send off this weekend. I ended up seeing 27 dresses... which of course meant popcorn and reeses pieces and a diet coke. Then I went with the girls from work to Le Chocolate Feast at the mall... where we experienced a caloric overload of epic proportions. THEN.. as if the chocolate wasn't enough.. .we did lunch at Olive Garden.. and I pretty much had every carb imaginable on the menu. At one point during the day I thought "In spite of a major family history of diabeties... i've staved it off for 27.5 years. Now in one day i'm gonna succumb to it." Anyway.. here are a few pics of our chocolate lovers experience....

The line we waited in to get to the chocolatey goodness... yes we are dedicated girls

Cupcakes from Ricks... YUMMMY

What do you do while waiting in line? EAT!

Just in case you can't read this it says "What's new? Petites size 0!" Yeah that's EXACTLY what I wanna see when i'm stuffing my face with chocolate

Maribel... and the cute ice cream treat we got!

Amy and I... happy in spite of our stuffed selves...

Surviving....

2008-01-29T12:02:00.000-06:00

See that? That's all of my food (minus veggies and fruits) for the next 5 weeks. That's right... I've offcially started the diet of the year.... century.. whatever! Anyway.. I did the whole weigh in thing at work and the scales there said i was 4 lbs less than the ones at the other doctor a couple of weeks ago. I tried to convince myself that I had lost the 4 lbs on the first day of the diet but even I didn't believe myself. The good news? It's day 3 and I'm not cranky yet. :) The bad news? Well... let's just say that i'm on veggie overload and my intestines are letting me know about it. It's a wee bit embarassing. You try sitting in a SUPER quiet classroom and the gas bubbles in your stomach start moaning. Yeah.. it's just that pretty.

Now my next mission is to figure out how to drink the gravy off of my pot roast without looking like the pig that I am.... can't let those calories go to waste!!! :) Oh and if anyone else knows how to make light cheesecake flavored yogurt taste like snickers cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory just let me know!

I heart Project Runway: volume 1

2008-01-24T22:11:00.000-06:00

If you've read my blog for any amount of time whatsoever you know that I'm the self-professed reality TV queen... my favorite by far is Project Runway. My obsession runs deep people. It's so bad that I went to bed last night and woke up around 2 with the starting thought that I hadn't watched last nights' episode. I then spent the next 20 minutes or so tossing and turning and trying to decide if i should get up and start up the old DVR. Eventually either sanity or sleepiness kicked in and I put off the viewing until tonight. Lucky you.. I feel the need to blog about it...

Today's challenge takes the designers to in empty warehouse where Levi's are just waiting to be used in a runway look. They're told that they must take the denim provided and re-purpose it into a new signature denim look. Here are some thoughts from the episode:

Field Trip time...and some of the designers seem to be somewhat excited about the prospect ...Silly designers! There are 7 of you left. This early in the game a field trip means you're redesigning looks for the USPS or diggint for coke bottles in a recycling center to create your garment. It's only when there are 5 or so left that a field trip means Paris or Milan.

Tim Gunn looks highly uncomfortable in a 15 passenger cargo van. This is SO not fierce.

Speaking of fierce... It's 15 min in and Christian hasn't used that adjective once... i'm shocked!

Speaking of Christian... He annoys me to know end. Everything from his asymmetrical hair to his endless supply of girl jeans t-shirts and skinny vests just plain irk me. PLUS I think that he was totally undeserving of last week's immunity!! Yes his avante garde look was great but Chris totally constructed that massive piece that made it so fabulous. PLUS didn't he construct the second look? If you'll remember last week the ONLY complaint the judges had about their presentation was in regards to the everyday look. If i remember correctly Michael Kors called the shirt cheap.. yes CHEAP!! Does cheapness deserve immunity?! I think not!

The designers are now in the workroom and I'm already beginning to wonder how Rommey (or whatever his name is) will drape denim into that same half-toga draped mess that he does every flippin week. Oh great.. .now he's reminding us that he's Israeli and therefore so much more fashion forward than us mere Americans. Correct me if I'm wrong but I've never thought of Jerusalem as the center for all things fashion...

As much as I loathe Christian I love Chris---tacky leopard print shirt/tent and all. He had my heart from the moment he nearly had a heart attack running across the park for fabric in the opening scene. Yes he is tacky and he DID wear that leopard print shirt in the vogue photo shoot but i'll forgive him... especially now that he pretty much has called Christian a baby to his face.

Halfway point:

Uses of "fierce"= shockingly none;

Tim gunn vocabulary update: "happy hands at home granny circle"... "patchworky" and my personal favorite: incongruous.

They're focusing on Sweet P and Jillian a LOT. It's obvious that they want us to think that one of them is going home. I'm guessing that my boy Chris and Victoria also have some room to worry. Just a hunch.

Runway time:

Sweet P appears to be wearing boxer shorts with heels and a blouse (**Update... she's also wearing fishnets... and yes they are boxers)

Chris needs new shirts

While Rommey is getting dressed he sprays approximately 72 sprays of cologne on himself. One can only assume that he's doing so in an effort to ward off the tacky and dated American fashion cooties.

Shocker of the evening: Lingerie Ricky is wearing that hideous mesh newsie cap AGAIN. The previews showed him crying... I'd cry too if I had such poor taste.

The guest judge from Levi's looks alarmingly like Susan Powter. She even almost has the hair do and everything

Victorias outfit looks like she's taken the Gap denim jacket from my closet and put a ballgown skirt on the bottom.

Judging time: (not much here except...)

Christian FINALLY says fierce... and as much as I hate to admit it his outfit is great.

Ricky does cry... but sadly it's out of happiness and NOT because he's having to part ways with the tacky mesh hat.

Nina speaks for all of us when she says thank GOD Rommey isn't working with jersey again. (see i'm not the only one!)

And FINALLY..... Victoria leaves!!! (which of course means that I was right yet again... and I might possibly be the queen of reality tv

Ok that's it... thanks for watching with me people. I'm off to bed early so that I can shop for a thesarus to aide me in my never-ending effort to have a vocabulary as big as Tim Gunn's!

Works for Me Wednesday

2008-01-23T14:42:00.000-06:00

Ok i'm copping out on this one a bit... The fact is, it's kinda hard for me to think of things that "work for me." Most of the bits I read are in regards to rasing a family or keeping house, and since I have neither a family to raise or a house I'm drawing a blank today. SOOO I'm endorsing the thing I absolutely cannot live without.... my Clinical Eye Lift from Avon. In my never-ending search to reverse the effects of time before age 30, I have this and it's FABULOUS!!! There's a gel for above the eye and a cream for the puffiness under the eyes. I love it. I swear, once it's dried I can actually feel it working, which makes me feel like I'm getting my money's worth. It's 28$ and usually lasts me about 2 months....

This is what works for me, what works for you?

step right up folks....

2008-01-21T23:37:00.000-06:00

... and see the one... the only......great Eator!!!

That's what I feel like today. After two days of nothing but "reversals" (to borrow a term from my favorite holiday event... the Nathan's hot dog eating competition)... I think my body has gone into survival mode. I'm THIS close to being like one of those Maury babies who weighs 80 lbs at age three... or maybe the kids on Fat Camp on MTV (you know... the ones who smuggle in mayonaise and cheddar cheese in their luggage)... or even the ones who are on that Big Medicine show on TLC ... who lie there all day long and can't even move to bathe until they smell the aroma of fried chicken in the kitchen. But I digress... I absolutely cannot get enough to eat today!! I personally think that it's a combination of forced "fat cell starvation" and the anticipation of the great diet of '08 which will start later this week....

I contimplated whether or not to even mention this... but I've ordered nutri-system. It should be in any day now. I've always subscribed to the theory that by putting it out there it forces me to succeed. In all actuality it usually jinxes me. Oh well! The fact is... I'm determined to do something. As long as there's the temptation to eat out I'm gonna do it... this way the decisions are made for me. I've decided that I must lose those last ____ lbs before this summer and this will absolutely be my year to get it done. It doesn't hurt that my Dad has been doing this since September and has lost an incredible amount of weight. (around 40 lbs.) Let's face it folks: I'm insanely jealous. I want to be the one having to buy more clothes because the old ones just won't fit anymore.... I want to be the one re-discovering old wardrobe items that I thought I'd never wear again!! Of course... I'm now a student. I have no money for a new wardrobe. I also routinely send clothes to Goodwill so I really don't have those old clothes.... In effect if I AM successfull I'll be in quite the predicament wardrobe-wise... Oh well! Who cares? I'm willing to suffer through such predicaments to look hot (or even decent) at the pool this summer!!

I'm rambling now... I'm going to bed and praying for icy roads and school closings!!!

4 things... because I'm bored at work!

2008-01-21T19:51:00.000-06:00

4 ThingsI've been tagged!
I've been tagged by Kim

Four jobs I've had:
1. Pricing Analyst--JB Hunt
2. Customer Service Rep (Walmart--not one of my finer moments)
3. Photographer
4. Receptionist

Four places I lived:
1. Camden, AR (yeah.. it's just that bad)
2. Pine Bluff, AR (getting better, but not much)
3. Bentonville, AR (while I was married... I try to block out those years!)
4. Springdale, AR

Four movies I've watched over and over:
1. The Wedding Singer
2. Shawshank Redemption
3. Silence of the Lambs
4. Tommy Boy

Four shows I watch: (only 4?????)
1. L O S T
2. The Office
3. Grey's
4. Brothers and Sisters

Four places I've been:
1. Rome, Italy
2. Cozumel, MX
3. Athens, Greece
4. The Bahamas

Four people who e-mail me regularly
:1. Andra
2. Erin
3. Lynn
4. Shannon

Four favorite things to eat:
1. BBQ
2. ice cream with fudge brownies
3. Pasta
4. Mexican food

Four places I'd rather be:
1. on a beach
2. on vacation--anywhere
3. on a plane going on vacation
4. at a spa where everything is already paid for (good one Kim)

Four things I look forward to this new year:
1. FINALLY losing the rest of my weight!! (diet starts tomorrow)
2. summer (and coincidentally, my birthday!!)
3. getting passed the dating slump :)
4. vacation!

Four people to tag:
1. Christy
2. Jana
3. Allison
4. Andra

The funny thing about sleeping for two days is...

2008-01-20T22:36:00.001-06:00

at some point and time...you just can't sleep anymore.

That's where I am peeps. (yes i just said peeps) I slept nearly all day yesterday (interrupted by frequent bursts of nausea) and even more sleep today. The end result? I finally feel like I might be a human being (and not a dehydrated blog of nothingness) and I'm now WIDE awake. I can't see any sleep in my foreseeable future. So I'm sitting here....blogging for the second time this evening and hoping that something will make me sleepy. So here I am recapping my fabulous weekend.... aren't you fortunate?

Pretty much my entire weekend consisted of movies... television and (other nauseating details aside..) more movies. Here's what I watched:

Movies:

Thank You For Smoking: Yes justin.. I finally saw it. I thought this one was hilarious. It's a smart comedy about a tobacco lobbyist. The kid in this one is great too..LOVED it.

Notes on a Scandal: This is another one I'd heard a lot of hype on... but had never watched. It got so much Oscar buzz last year that I felt I had to watch. The 1.99 price tag at blockbuster didn't hurt my decision any either. ( I paid the same for TU 4 Smoking too) Anyway this one is fabulous. Very well played by Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett. It's a wee bit disturbing... but intriguing nonetheless. It's great!

Superbad: what can I say... it's completely foul... but the 14 year old boy inside of me laughs every time I see it. Where "smoking" is smart this one's absolutely not. It's a good no-brainer movie for me.

Bridget Jones's Diary: I don't know what it is about this one but I can watch it a hundred times and still love it. It makes absolutely no sense considering that I generally loath Rene Zellwegger in every way possible. ( I swear... could her eyes get more squinty???) Maybe it's my recent obsession with all things British. Anyway... it's a cute chick flick and I like it

Bridget Jones: the edge of reason: Again... there's no explaining it except that TNT had them running back to back. It's one of the few sequels I genuinely like.

Television: (I emptied the DVR today... so brace yourselves)

Celebrity Rehab: This was the detox episode... and Jeff Conaway is just painful to watch. I'm not convinced that Chyna knows where she is yet. Mary Carey still appears to be on some sort of substance... and I don't know if Judy Winslow can speak. We haven't really heard her yet.

A virtual marathon of "America's Next Top Model" which again doesn't make any sense. Tyra Banks is another celeb that I don't care for... not that she's personally done anything to me... she just seems to be somewhat phony. Her show(s) are pretty much just an hour of self-promotion and virtually everything out of her mouth NOT pertaining to modeling sounds like one of those "successories" posters that used to donn the walls of wal-mart corporate. That being said... I'm hopelessly addicted to this show. I can watch it over and over again... and sadly... I do

An OOOOLD episode of Oprah: where Amy Grant and Vince Gill "kick off Christmas" they were ok... but OMG Kenny Rogers just needs to quit. Now in general... I love the gambler... I stayed with him through the marriage to the great plastic Wanda and the birth of his twins... but I'm drawing the line at the overdone plastic surgery and apparent massive quantities of botox he consumes weekly. Seriously his face DOES NOT MOVE. On top of that... he's forgotten the lyrics to his songs. He also gave Oprah a guided tour of his home at Christmas... a home that is horribly overdone and TAAAACKY. He droned on and on about textures and color... and how he was the first to put fabric on walls. Where oh where is the gambler now????

Scott Baio is 46... and pregnant: First of all let me say that I heart Scott Baio. Great... now I feel better. I swear... I've been in love since Charles in Charge when I dreamed of the days that he might be the new boy in my neighborhood... move downstairs and never be understood by the Shaddock family. Alas... that never happened for me. For years now I've been in the dark Baio-wise until he popped back into my reality TV world last season. Now he's conquering the world of impending marriages and children.... and all along the way I get to watch... happily. (and yes I realize that so much of this is staged... and no i don't care)

My Fair Brady... and maybe a baby: This is the place where my "top model" obsession and my childhood goal to be a Brady merge in reality TV heaven (or hell...depending on your viewpoint) Let's just face it... these two are a trainwreck. I really don't even like them. Why do I watch? Because doing so reminds me that even though I'm single... it could be worse. I could be in a train wreck of a marriage and whoring myself out on reality television.

And finally.... and ashamedly......

Rock of love with Brett Michaels: This is where the whorish rejects from The Bachelor and Cops go to advertise one last time before the STD's take over their bodies. This my friends is the most glaring example of my medically-induced boredom. I'm not proud... and I can safely vow to never ever watch again. Even my brain cannot wrap itself around 90% of this show. Seriously it's that bad... and my standards are pretty low.

There are a couple of others on TLC which deserve a blog all on their own. Those require a more in-depth look. Now I'm going to attempt to go to sleep... which means i'll probably just lie there and watch more mindless television until my brain can't take anymore and forces my body to sleep. Sweet dreams!!

She Bangs...

2008-01-20T20:49:00.000-06:00

So since i've been in bed sick for another two days I'm just gonna post a pic. About a week ago I decided to go for it: I got bangs. It seemed like the best solution. I got a much-needed change... kept my length and still hid the unsightly forehead wrinkles. So... what do ya think? Thanks Andra!!!

What a morning...

2008-01-17T08:58:00.000-06:00

FABULOUS morning. I woke up to the morning shows talking about "precipitation." I listened further and realized that there might be traffic problems, so I left early enough... or so I thought. Let's just say I left at 645 (45 min before my class... normally a 20 min drive) and I got to class at 835. Yeah. It took me 40 min to get to the next exit. The good news is I had time to read an entire article on the new season of L O S T in my Entertainment Weekly while I sat in traffic , and I had time to finish all of my coffee in the process.

I'm now in my second class and I'm waiting with a girl who's wearing a mustard yellow babydoll top, daisy duke shorts, brown knee-length leggings and metallic cowboy boots. In 2 minutes time, she said the word "like" 17 times. I fear that by listening to her speak, my IQ is going downhill quickly.

Coffee or not.... I'm still in a bad mood!!

******UPDATE*****

There's some chick in the front of the room with a weird amish friendship braided hairdo... she's blabbering on and on and on about some diet she's on which consists of tuna, lemon juice and salsa. I think I'll pass and be chubby the rest of my life. Seriously, who eats that kinda thing??? In other news, my instructor seems to be EXTREMELY scattered. She works a problem, and assuming she's got it written dowm correctly, questions EVERYTHING she's told us. She then goes back and re-teaches everything she's just covered. I ask you people... how am I supposed to learn from a person who isn't sure of what she's teaching? Is this really what I'm paying for???

It was fun while it lasted....

2008-01-15T23:01:00.000-06:00

Well folks.. this is it. It seems my blogging days will be quite sporadic in the next 16 weeks. I had my first day of classes today and all I can say is WOW! I'm taking 16 hours this semester and it's a FULL course load. I don't have a single class that's "easy" so I don't get much of a break this time. I knew it would be more work this semester but I had no idea what I was getting into when I registered for these classes!! With each class that I attended today my calendar got fuller.... and I started to stress a bit more! :) I got home from work (and a new haircut... pics later.. well maybe!) around 6:30 and I've pretty much just sat at my laptop and burried myself in work. I love school...I really do.... but I also have my limits!! I'm pretty sure I should turn my phone off... disconnect my cable (GASP).... and live life as a hermit until mid-May......

YAY for productive weekends!!

2008-01-12T20:53:00.000-06:00

I've spent most of today and part of last night working on it... but my Christmas decorations are finally down... and put away for the next 11 months. Consequently.. I'm tired.. a little sore and covered in glitter. Yes I know that it's a bit late.. but I've had a lot on my plate since Christmas and this was literally the first chance I had to tear it down. Regardless.. today was my Saturday to get everything completed and in ORDER before classes start Monday. While I'm bragging on myself... here's another glimpse into my super productive Saturday:

Tore down the Christmas decorations which included: 2 trees and more garland than any apartment should ever hold

Threw out the old tree... lights and all. THAT made me about 9 kinds of happy

Washed all of the remaining laundry which included THREE loads of towels...the floor mats and my sheets (yes 3.. did I mention that I live alone?? I know how pathetic that is)

Cleaned out the spare bedroom/office... and I"m proud to say you can see the floor now

Cleaned out the excess Christmas decorations that I'll never ever use again.

Organized my school stuff in an effort to start off the semester on the right foot.

CLEANED my apartment.... THOROUGHLY. (and yes this does deserve it's own bullet point)

Oh and on top of that.. I found the time to see Atonement this afternoon with Erin. Every review I'd read said to be prepared for the waterworks. I was prepared... REAL kleenex in my purse (the napkins are a bit rough under my eyes) waterproof mascara and everything. Wouldn't ya know it?! I didn't cry AT ALL! All that preparation for nothing. In case you're wondering... it's a good movie but I'm now going to read the book. I could totally see where it is better. Anyway....not that my opinion matters but I still recommend it if you're into period films and agonizingly romantic movies.

That's about it... I'm kinda proud of myself! Bonus for me too... Other than my popcorn at the movie I pretty much didn't eat. I'm gonna have to be productive more often!!

Confessions of a Chubby Girl... and delight in the freezer section

2008-01-12T11:03:00.000-06:00

So this is totally not helping the diet plans... but I found pure heaven last night in the freezer section of the local Wal-Marts. Here's my confession #247: I LOVE ice cream. My hips show it... but I LOVE it nonetheless. I get it honestly. My mother who is seriously diabetic loves nothing more than a coldstone creamery for lunch. No it's not the smartest thing in the world.. but it works for her. ANYWAY... I rarely buy ice cream because (a) it loves me... particularly my hips and thighs and (b) I live in an apartment with a TEENY freezer and there's just no room for it.

So imagine my delight when I notice these Ben & Jerry's mini's in the freezer section last night! Our Wal-mart has Cherry Garcia.. Fudge Brownie and Cookie Dough. They're only 3.5 ounces and ((Drumroll please)) they're .98 cents!!! WOOHOO!! I'm a happy girl. This essentially solves all of my problems because (a) it's TEENY and if it DID have a chance to make it to the freezer... it wouldn't take much space (b) it satisfies my ice cream hankerin and (c) it's small enough that i won't have leftovers to wander to in the middle of the night!
It's meant to be right??

Celebrity Rehab: the rundown

2008-01-11T11:21:00.001-06:00

So I'll admit it, my television viewing habits have officially gone down the proverbial toilet. I've never been accused of watching too much intelligent programming. (Although I do have my moments) The fact is, I'm the target audience for pretty much everything that comes on VH1, MTV or (god forbid) Fox in the reality arena. This week, I sunk to a new low with the debut of Celebrity Rehab. I have SO many objections to the mere existence of the show, and yet I watched... ok so I also DVR'd. I can't help it. Maybe I need a 12 step program! Anyway, here are my observations.....

Jeff Conway… the dude from Taxi/Grease fame. This man is just broken. I can’t even describe the train wreck that is him. It’s sad really. He shows up drunk and having binged on Cocaine the night before. He can’t even sit up in the wheelchair he’s sitting in. He's hallucinating now. This is hard to watch.

******Interjection: Dr Drew is strangely hot. ********

Chyna (the wrassler) who is one contradiction after another. First let’s establish that she is absolutely a vision of plastic surgery malpractice. Those cheekbones frighten me. Her upper lip looks like a hot pink Vienna sausage. She goes through this whole description of why she’s out of control (complete with fabulously edited clips of her going crazy on the surreal life… thanks VH1) and then comes to the conclusion that she doesn’t need rehab. In fact when Dr Drew asks her why she’s here… she’s completely dumbfounded. Actually she might be looking sad… or happy… there’s too much botox there to tell the difference.

******Interjection: Commercial for Rock of Love 2…. and it’s official: Brett Michaels is just too pretty now. He too on the verge of “chyna-level” plastic surgery…. Give him two more seasons and he’ll have a Vienna sausage lip too. **********

Ok so far I’m halfway through the show and my favorite character is the “intake” chick. She’s trying desperately to be professional and establish order somehow… but it’s not just happening. She looks like a camp counselor who’s surrounded by 100 ADHD children who have been injected with pure sugar… caffeine and red dye number 4. Her reactions to the contents of Mary Carey’s suitcase are particularly entertaining. (I’ll just leave that one there.)

Back to the rundown....

JUDY WINSLOW (family matters)!!! OMG so THAT”s where she went after the 6th season!!! Here I was thinking that she was locked in the upstairs bedroom of the Winslow home and she’s been doing porn and smoking pot all this time??

Interjection: The Baldwin brothers confuse me… especially when they grow out the facial hair a bit. I tend to not be able to tell the difference. I’m watching Daniel and I realize I’m trying to remember if he was in that movie with Anthony Hopkins… or if he’s the Skating Christian one… or…. Well nevermind. The point is he’s here… and at the moment he’s trying to convince Dr Drew that your fat cells produce tiny little portions of cocaine. Dr Drew’s not buying it.

Billy Baldwin (I finally figured it out.... he's the skateboarding christian brother) who says he's been clean and sober since 2004? Then why the heck does he need rehab??? I'm confused. Someone please explain this to me.

Bridgitte Nielson Frightens me. That's all there is to it. She looks like she belongs in the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Seriously did you SEE her on The Surreal Life? I swear... anyone who could find beauty and sexiness in "foofey foo" gets a one way ticket to the funny farm as far as I'm concerned. Besides, she was on the Tyra show Tuesday and she forgot her pants. She was dressed in head to toe white (stockings included) but conveniently there were no pants to be found. <<<>>>

Ok there are a couple of others in the cast (and yes, this is a cast) including some dude from Crazytown (who brought a couple of beers for old times' sake) and the politically prestigious Mary Carey. (who is on a mission to discontinue her career in porn.. yeah right) Overall, this is beyond trash. I personally can't see the benefit from televised rehab. Bottom line: I'm not proud of watching, but my DVR is set. And yes, there will be bloggage.

*****UPDATE******
I've just been told that Stephen is the Skateboarding Christian Baldwin. Now I'm confused. I've completely lost my reference point for Billy... is he the one who was married to the chick from Wilson Phillips? This is gonna drive me insane! I'm officially far too invested in this show now... HELP!!

It's official....

2008-01-09T21:09:00.000-06:00

I'm stir crazy. As mentioned before I stayed home sick today. I HATE being sick... some people find it to be a much needed break.. not me. I'm positively stir crazy. To top it off... this wasn't a sick day when i could get up and do something: I have been in bed ALL FLIPPIN DAY. Seriously.. there is an imprint of my body in my mattress. Here's a run down of my day today:

8:30 pm Tuesday: went to bed
4:30 am Wednesday: wake up and immediately bow to the "porcelain gods." Discover I have a pounding headache.. sore throat and a fever
7:30 am: call in to work. Apologize profusely for missing today... and that someone will have to close for me. Call mom for sympathy. Take tylenol. Go to bed
12:00 pm: wake up... discover that my head might actually be worse than before. Eat crackers... drink sprite.. take tylenol...back to bed but first I'll brush my teeth.
12:02 pm: discover that somehow in the course of the holidays I neglected to pay my water bill. Call the water dept in a moment of complete embarassment and humiliation. Pay my bill and request for a reconnect. Great. Now I'm sick.. embarrassed and hacked off.
1:00 pm: In a moment of boredom I blog. I then proceed to search the Internet for blog groups to join. Yes I'm bored.
1:30 pm: realize that when you're sick and cannot eat... the food network is not a wise choice for viewing.
2:00 pm: Still in bed... I watch Full House. (the episode where DJ inadvertantly breaks Grady from Sanford and Son out of the Retirement home to see Stephanie's dog show in the backyard)
2:30 pm find myself watching a lifetime movie where yet another wife is schizophrenic and wants to kill her husband. Not sure what the name was... it could be any number of lifetime movies
3:00 pm: Start to watch Ellen... but change the channel when she breaks out a ventriloquist dummy to dance during the opening sequence. I'm a bit creeped out.
3:12 pm: Change my myspace layout
3:30 pm: discover that I have in fact reached the end of the Internet.
4:00 pm: Oprah's on... I start to watch but lose interest when I discover it's a re-run. Back to the Internet. Maybe they've added more stuff in the last 30 min.
4:10 pm: start commenting on other's blogs in hopes of increasing traffic to my own.
4:30 pm: rearrange my covers and pillows. Notice my imprint in the mattress topper.
5:00 pm: Start watching the Tyra Banks Show. This is not a proud moment for me. In fact... I can't believe I just typed it.
5:15 pm: At my brother's request.. took this quiz: http://www.wqad.com/Global/link.asp?L=259460&nav=menu132_3_10 which told me I should vote for John Edwards.
5:18 pm: called my Ultra-conservative brother to report the good news. Assured him it could be worse and I shouldn't be excommunicated from the family.
5:30 pm: more sprite....and some brown rice and tylenol
6:00 pm: naptime
7:00 pm: in another moment of weakness... find myself watching Wife swap and supernanny. Again.. I'm not proud at all....more tylenol
9:00 pm: realize that due to the excessive amount of sleep I've had in the past 36 hours.. I'll never sleep tonight

Now you see why I'm stir crazy??? I don't care if I'm I'm DYING I'm going to work tomorrow. I cannot be here another moment....

WFMW: Backwards edition

2008-01-09T13:41:00.000-06:00

So I'm sick. In honor of my stir craziness I thought I'd join the "works for me Wednesday" bandwagon. This is convenient for me this week since it's a backwards edition. From what I gather I'm supposed to give you examples of everyday things I do to make life easier. (we'll see how this works) Because it's a backwards week... I get to ask you questions. Yippee aren't you excited???

So here are my questions. I'm new to the "real blogging" thing and I need some tips. What can I do to add life to my page? What are some good blog groups to join? Anything else I need to know? I'm totally open to suggestions.... and since I'm in bed all day I'll have ample time to try them out!!

Happy Wednesday peeps!!

Sounds of Freight Trains and Fraidy Cats in the dark....

2008-01-07T23:12:00.000-06:00

Confession time. I'm horribly afraid of the dark. I'm not saying that I dislike it... i fear it with everything in my being. It's always been this way with me. I can honestly say that nothing terrifies me more than the pitch black darkness. If I'm ever in a room where the lights go out... I freeze. I cant breathe. When the electricity resumes you can most likely find me in the EXACT same spot that I was when the lights went out... with my hands extended straight out in front of me. (so as not to be surprised by any boogie men etc..) Consequently I never want to be home alone during a storm. Yes they fascinate me from afar... but I'm terrified to be home alone during them. Given tonight's weather you can imagine my highly enjoyable evening....

On a similar note.. I should probably confess another of my unreasonable fears. I have this fear that I will be caught... um .. "underdressed" during a state of emergency. I just know that a tornado will someday attack my apartment building and leave me in only my "Got crabs" t-shirt from Joe's...the previous day's mascara under my eyes and a ratty ponytail in my head. This level of class alone will inevitably attract the media to interview me and reduce me to the hillbillies I've made fun of so many times before. You know them--the ones who always recount the event with phrases like "I seen it comin!!" and "it sounded like a freight train!" It is for this reason that for the first 6 months that I lived alone in my apartment I laid out a set of clothes on the floor beside my bed--just in case. Now I realize that in the event of a emergency (weather related or otherwise) I will likely panic and become hysterical. (time and past experiences have led me to believe this) I know that if said tornado does come barreling down Pleasant street I will forsake my stash of clothing and run down the stairs for safety---and become "that girl" on the TV who heard the freight train... seen it comin... and thus made her family and friends oh so proud to be associated with her.

That being said... the thunder and lightning are cranking up again. I'm gonna lay out the stash just in case....

Catching some zzzzz's and Warm Weather Rules

2008-01-06T22:06:00.000-06:00

What is it about Sundays? Any other day of the week I wouldn't even think about sleeping until at least 10:30. As a kid.. my parents practically had to force me to take a nap. Now every single Sunday after church (and lunch) I go directly to my bedroom and fall sound asleep. It's the most fabulous feeling in the world... just a little refresher in the middle of my day. Normally I only nap for 45 min or so... but today I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 2 1/2 hours later. I'm sure I'll now be awake for several hours.... fun! Thankfully I won't have to be at work until noon. (but of course if i sleep late because of the nap I won't get up and jog tomorrow.... wow. Such a vicious cycle...)

On another note... this week has been typical Arkansas weather. Early in the week it was single digit cold at night... today it was 70 degrees. Having been an Arkansan for my entire 27 years I'm quite used to it. This fact does not make me like it any more... but I'm used to it nonetheless. I personally would rather it be cold and stay cold--but no one asked me! ANYWAY I said all of this to compile a list of fashion rules for such a weather predicament. Judging from what I witnessed today this is much needed. The following things are still now acceptable in the winter...even if the weather is unusually warm:

Sandals/Flip flops- Unless you are in the Caribbean and on vacation these need to stay in the closet until spring please
Shorts - Again... vacations are the exception as are trips to the gym and UPS workers (gotta love those haha)
Sleeveless ANYTHING- I actually witnessed someone in a sundress today. I would have taken a pic but my camera was in the car. (If you are male.. you should also consider refraining from such things year round.)

White pants/skirts are also not an acceptable option. I'm of the opinion that white shoes are never good.... regardless of the season. I'm sure there are exceptions for the appropriate season. I have not personally found them yet. Anyway in the mean time please take care to abide by the above guidelines and the world will be a much happier place to live. Your co-operation is greatly appreciated.

UPDATE: It's now 2:45 and i'm STILL awake. I've watched an absurd number of episodes of The fresh prince of Bel-Air. I'm pretty sure i'm THIS close to reaching the end of the internet. Did I mention I'm STILL awake?!?! Note to self: 2 1/2 hours is a bit much for the naps.

Party like it's 1989...

2008-01-05T23:29:00.000-06:00

So tonight was Andra's 30th birthday party. It was a surprise party with an 80's theme. We had a BLAST! I'm pretty sure we should kareoke more often. :) Here are a few of the pics...

Ready to Celebrate... in quite possibly the worst outfit ever..

Keylon and Melonie. He has a fake earring and she has a rattail. They cracked me up!

Me and my buddy.. the birthday girl!!

Ok so for her encore kareoke performance Melonie did "beat it"... and she moonwalked. I thought I would die laughing. Notice Andra falling across the stage in laughter...

Heather.. .and more kareoke. She gets bonus points just for rockin an ACTUAL banana clip from 1986 and her Amy Grant concert t-shirt from 1989...

Andra's sister and her family (minus Caroline) Gotta love the flock of seagulls hairdo and Sam's Mohawk. Konrad gets major points for his gift to Andra: which was an actual mixed tape.

The group... or at least those of us who dressed up!

PS.. movies have ruined me

2008-01-05T01:11:00.000-06:00

I once had a boss who when discussing my divorce said I suffered from the Disney syndrome. He went on to explain that in every Disney Princess film the hero and heroine meet... fall in love and inevitably live happily ever after. (all of this is of course in spite of insurmountable odds... fire breathing dragons.. poisoned apples..etc.etc ) His theory is that so many little girls grow up watching these films that they obtain a very skewed version of reality.... thus affecting their relationships later in life. While no adult female in her right mind ACTUALLY believes that she'll meet a prince... ride to a grand ball in a coach made from a pumpkin and leave a glass slipper.. he believes that women do have this horribly romanticized view of the way in which she will find her proverbial "prince."

I remember having this discussion with him and thinking about this in very shallow terms. I could absolutely see the reasoning behind this in my own experience. I had completely entered into my marriage with no thought of the reality of bill paying...savings accounts.. car repairs or even arguments with my spouse. I truly believed I had found my happily ever after...

I'm now in a very different place in my life. I've spent so much of my life recovering that I feel like I've kind of missed out on living. So many minutes.. hours.. days of my life have been wasted preventing myself from believing in true love and happily ever after that I've not allowed myself to entertain the possibility of happily normal... and satisfied. It's strange. I feel like it's silly (for lack of a better word) to give in to such thoughts..... and the few times I've even considered it... it's backfired on me.

I say all of this not to dwell on the past but to think about this coming year. I've decided that my time to sit and wonder quietly about what could be is over. However painful it might be... I'm going to have to be pro-active about the dating thing. I'm not exceptionally happy about this. (Have I mentioned how much dating sucks??) The thing is I've found recently that however careful I've been to guard myself over the past few years I'm still leaning toward life in a skewed way. No.. I'm not hoping for glass slippers and pumpkin carriages... but movies have painted this seemingly unattainable relationship that I'm afraid will taint any that I enter into in the real world.

I saw PS I love you tonight with Erin for her birthday. First.. let me digress and say that "tearjerker" doesn't even begin to describe this one. Two hours later.. I'm a broken woman. I was STILL crying on the way home. Anyway.. somewhere around halfway through the movie I found myself sad... yes the subject matter was saddening... but this was different. I almost felt sorry for myself in that I never really think I'll have a love like that... and I want it so desperately. I don't want meaningless dates and people that I go out with every once in a while. I want to find someone who can't wake up without thinking about me. I want movie kisses.... not just casual pecks at my doorstep. I want the potential of growing old with someone again. I want someone who WANTS to be with me... not just because he doesn't have anything better to do that weekend. Is this too much to ask?

The truth is I've grown very comfortable in my singular existence... and it scares me a bit. Am I so comfortable now that I'll never truly step out of my little box and take that step? I meet people... I talk.. and I find myself taking a step back. If I truly want a change... how do I stop the walls from coming up again? They seem to be automatic. It happens I guess. I just need to know how to get passed them..... and how to get the movie kisses back again. They are fabulous...

On another note... I'm gonna lay off of the sappy movies for a bit...

Desperately Seeking Motivation...

2008-01-03T21:55:00.000-06:00

As mentioned in the 2007 blog my 10 year high school reunion is later this year. I want to...no HAVE to lose a significant amount of weight before then. Don't get me wrong... I'm proud of the weight I've lost thus far but I have more to lose. I have the reason to want it off... now I just need the motivation. Until now I've had a great list of excuses like:

I seriously don't have the time I didn't. This was not just an excuse. My schedule last semester was CRAZY because I had registered late. Consequently my work schedule was chaotic too. I was sleeping enough to get from one day to the next. I just simply did not have the time to work out. Notice something here? Yeah it's all in past tense. I've now had over 3 weeks off school... I'm going in at noon and even though school starts for me the 15th I only have class 2 days a week. This excuse is officially dead.
I don't have any earbuds for my iphone/ipod... this seems trivial but I lost them on vacation and life has not been the same for me since. The iphone is far too convenient to use while working out. I don't have to carry my phone AND the ipod too. It's all in one. Anyway I lost the earbuds.... but as luck would have it Santa restocked those for me. This excuse also must go down the proverbial toilet.
The weather is bad... Yes it might have been but I joined the youth center months ago.... and I've utilized it once. Did I mention that said youth center is at MOST 2 blocks from my apartment?? yeah.... next please
I don't have the $$ to join a gym.... and my membership has expired. A) the youth center is $25.00 per YEAR. I'm pretty sure even I can swing that. B) I have dvd's that work quite well for me right here at home. No dice on this one either.
My shoes don't fit well... the old ones didn't but the new ones that I paid dearly for are just fine...fabulous even.
I'm technically a freshman.. i'm supposed to gain weight right?? Although this may be the general consensus it is not an excuse to lard out for the next few years!
But what about that ankle injury.... yes the "injury" was bad but it's gonna be so much worse when I begin referring to it as my "cankle injury." And while we're at it PMS is no longer an excuse either....

So we've officially exhausted all of my known excuses. I know all of these are no good. I know I need to work out again. So why can't I get motivated?? Every morning I set off with good intentions and yet I don't move. Instead I find myself wasting time and conserving calories on the couch. I keep telling myself that I needed a mental break.... but I've had that already!! OH and to top it all off I have a doctor's appointment Tuesday. It's not with my normal doctor where I work so I can't inform the nurse (and my co-worker) that "I'm not thinking I'm gonna weigh in today..." This is a new doctor. I'm gonna be forced to face the scales and the cold empty thud of the big weight being moved over when the nurse realizes that I've exceeded the current weight. Yes this calls for extreme action. Maybe I need a drill sargeant to kick my tail into shape.... Anyone know where I can get one??? Until then I can just hope that this doctor's office has those digital scales so it's less humiliating....

9 years later....

2008-01-02T18:38:00.000-06:00

So I hadn't planned on blogging from work but I'm bored. I've filed every chart, prepared the deposit for tomorrow and the waiting area is blissfully empty. Do you hear that? It's the sound of blissful silence: No screaming babies, no phones ringing, no children in those god forsaken heelies rolling down the hallway and thank God there are no patients hacking all over my desk. Now I just get to sit and wait for the last few to leave before I get to go home! WOOHOO!

I just realized about 4:30 this afternoon what today's date is. Had I stayed married, I would have been celebrating my 9th anniversary today. It's strange, but I absolutely cannot remember what it was like to be married to him.... to be married at all. It's been 5 1/2 years since the divorce, and I've changed so much since then. Physically, I lost 85 lbs in that first year but I've changed--grown so much spiritually and emotionally speaking. For the first time in my life I knew what it meant to truly trust God, not because I wanted to but because he was my only hope. I took inventory of myself and saw what needed to be changed and I did just that--- I changed it. Yes, it was a slow process and I am still learning about Amber and her needs. Dating has been an adventure to say the least, but through the heartbreak and horrendous dates I wouldn't change a single experience. Throughout each one I've been blessed with the prospective to learn and move on to the next part of my journey.

Over the years I've been asked who the most influential person in my life is. The truth of the matter is that it's probably my ex-husband. It's shocking to even type, but his decisions... even the bad ones that lead to the divorce have impacted my life in such a way that I was forced to change. I'm proud to say that although that moment changed my life significantly, his actions have not defined my life in the last 5 years. Instead, my reaction to my situation has lead to the most defining parts of me. Because of him, I learned what being in love was not, and what I needed to look for in the future. I learned what insecurities I had deep within me and those that I always knew existed but never had the courage to deal with and change. Because of him, I became a survivor... and understood that relationship or none I was the only one responsible for Amber. I had to be sure--of myself and my convictions, my dreams and my failures--everything. I had to be sure, aware and accepting of ME before I could even attempt to enter into another relationship....friendship or otherwise.

So I guess in a weird way I should thank him. Yes the experience was painful, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but I am 100% grateful for having gone through it. I'm very proud of the person I am today, and 5 years ago that was not the case. Flaws and all, I am Amber... and i'm happy for it.

Goodbye 2007!

2008-01-02T09:14:00.000-06:00

So it's officially 2008 and simply because of the date I feel it necessary to provide you with the look back at last year. Aren't you fortunate?! Ok well stop complaining and we'll get down to business... shall we?

In 2007 I...

Became an old lady. Not literally of course.. but for the first time in my life I have FELT old. This year I was struck with the sudden realization that I'm no longer the baby in my group of friends. All of the changes in my life have added a bit of stress anyway and add to that the fact that I'm now in classes with people who are at least 10 years younger than I am and you've got my granny complex.
Followed my heart... and got burned for it. Consequently I've become a bit more guarded in my relationships since then. Being heart broken sucks. I don't want to go through that again. I'd also like to take this opportunity to apologize in advance to anyone I might date in 2008 because of it... haha
Reconnected with old pals... the internet is a wonderful place isn't it?! Thanks to networking sites like myspace and facebook I've reconnected with so many great people from my past.... and for that I'm extremely grateful!
Was attacked by birds ... twice! Consequently I considered purchasing a gun and taking up lessons.
Took control of my future... Somewhere along the way I realized that I was coasting through my life: especially my career. I was in a place where I had a great job but no real goals or aspirations. I was a robot who sat at a desk... did my work ..(played on the internet haha) and collected a check on a regular basis. Something was missing and that was the feeling that I could make a difference in my profession. This year I dropped it all: the career (and the salary!) and all of the securities therein. The result? I couldn't be happier with my decision. Yes I miss the money and times are not great every day... but without a doubt this IS where I'm supposed to be.
Never quite kept those "last ____ lbs" off... But you know what? 2008 is my year. It HAS to be!! My 10 year reunion is this year and i'm a bit stressed! I'd really like to avoid shopping at Georgia Tent and Awning and Mimi's house of MuMus for my wardrobe! :)
Went to court.. in Mayberry and learned that in a pinch one's loud-mouthed spouse will work as an interpreter. (read my old blog for the full story)
Realized I am NOT a survivor...Thanks to the discovery channel and shows like Survivorman and Man vs Wild I realized that if I were ever stranded in the wild I would DIE! It seems that I DO have my limits and those fall somewhere around the neighborhood of rotting carcases and drinking my own urine.
Became even MORE opinionated than before... and my blog has benefited from it. Thankfully I have an outlet now! haha Oh and get ready because I'm pretty sure this isn't going to change any time soon!
Learned that I should NEVER hip hop dance... I tested the waters once and let's just say it was not pretty..
Proved that I CAN do it... and I will!! This year has been my year for changing. It's been a year for righting old wrongs... and a year for breaking out of the mold I had created for myself. You know what? I'm doing pretty well at this... and I'm not stopping any time soon!

Hi there!!

2008-01-01T22:35:00.000-06:00

So after years of doing the myspace/xanga/facebook thing I'm attempting to be a "real" blogger. We'll see how this goes... I'm working on the setup as well as some weekly postings that should fill the gaps when the insanity of my life hinders my blogging abilities! Check back for more updates and please let me know what you think!!

Happy New Year!!
Amber